Rejection: An Adoptee’s Worst Misfortune, An Adoptee’s Worst Fear

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adoption, family, life, my birth parents, parenting, 한국

I’ve had a pretty tiring past couple of weeks, so my poor blog’s been a bit neglected as of late. But it’s Friday night (yay!), and my husband’s playing a computer game that he’s been waiting for for a really long time, so what better time to update? :-)

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You may be looking at the image to the left, wondering what it is and what on earth it has to do with this blog, adoption and/or Korea. Directly, it doesn’t really have anything to do with adoption or Korea. But, if you’ve read this blog for a while now, you’d probably be somewhat aware that I’m a fan of similes, metaphors and… other such figurative language in relation to other aspects of my life. This image is a Magic the Gathering card – one of thousands and part of the card game I’ve recently been a tad* addicted to. For a very brief explanation, as from the official site:

The best part about a trading card game is that it’s always changing. You design and build your own unique decks, and eachMagic game you play is different.

On first glance, reading this card probably doesn’t make a lot of sense. I’ve only just started to find them easier to read and understand, myself. But this card can be sacrificed in order for the player to affect the game through the use of other cards (and hopefully win the game). The Magic card pictured here is known as a rare card. There aren’t a lot of them because their abilities are generally pretty good and can affect the game more than common cards can. They don’t show up in all packs of cards you can buy, and some of them are actually worth quite a bit of money. But even though the card above is considered a rare card, its ability, to me, is a bit… strange, and I probably wouldn’t use the card, myself.

This past week, I was saddened to hear the news that a fellow adoptee’s search for her birth family ended when her birth mother chose not to have any contact with her. I was sad for her that her search ended in this way. I think it’s what we all fear when it comes to searching for our birth families: our blood relatives rejecting us again. For what? The betterment of their own lives? For me, one of the worst things about being adopted is, like the card above’s ability, I feel as though I was a sacrifice on the part of my birth mother, hence giving me this inherent, deep down hatred for her. I was a sacrifice so she could possibly live a better life for herself, regardless of where I ended up (I’m her own flesh and blood, but hey… it was OK to just send me overseas, right?)

Life’s not fair. We’re told this time and time again. But in searching for our birth families, I think it’s unfair that in searching for our families, we still have this remaining fear and possibility of being rejected for the second time by the person who should have loved us first. That’s really hard to deal with, and I think that’s a major reason as to why it’s taken me 26 years to do anything about my own adoption and story.

I’ve read a few birth mothers’ blogs throughout the past year or so. I’ve read and tried to understand their stories. But when I see the stories of adoptees being rejected again in their search for (what I think should be a basic adoptee right) their genetic relatives, I can’t help but feel angry toward birth parents who claim that they’re lost and sad in giving us up for adoption. I feel like they had their choice… they still have a choice. Yet even 20, 30 years later, we’re still living in uncertainty and insecurity in terms of our identities due to the decisions they already made. They rejected us once… it almost seems inhumane and cruel for them to reject us again, yet it’s so common for them to do so.

Perhaps this seems like an “oh, poor me” blog post. Perhaps it seems like I’m wallowing in the misfortunes and unluckiness of being adopted, but I don’t see it as wallowing. I see both the possibility of being rejected for a second time, and having already been rejected, as struggles that we adoptees are likely to spend our lifetimes coming to terms with, while our birth parents go on living their lives, obviously uncaring about our wellbeing.

It’s easy for me to wish my birth mother has struggled through her time on earth. Through resentment… anger… even hatred. But at the same time, I hope her life has been rich, fortunate and abundant. I like to think that my sacrifice of personal identity, home and birth country/culture and family relations was for something – that it was worth me being sent away from the people I should still be with today.

What’s more, is that it’s too easy to think ‘oh, life is bad, my mother sacrificed me’, but I think the whole point of this post is to make clear the fear and uncertainty that we have to live with everyday: the fear of them rejecting us for the second time. And then how do we cope when/if they do? We’ve taken our whole lives to overcome the first rejection… how are we meant to confront another? Is it a Mirror of Fate that we’re just meant to be used for the “betterment” of our birth parents’ lives? What have they bought with their trading of us? Is it really worth it? Has it been worth it these past 26 years? For my own sake, I hope it has been. I hope my mother is living in some huge house, living the high life and enjoying that which she (obviously) wouldn’t have been able to attain with the inclusion of me in her life.

I think all people have some sort of fear of rejection. I’m definitely not saying that it’s just adoptees that go through this. We all have a fear of being turned down by those we love, care about and put our hopes on. I turn into a nervous wreck when it comes to applying for jobs and getting turned away; I’ve had my share of being dumped and rejected by members of the opposite sex; I’ve had all too many arguments, dramas and falling-outs with girl friends… but I don’t think any of these have really compared to the feeling of knowing that my biological mother rejected me from the get go. Don’t tell me she did it out of love; don’t tell me she did it because she wanted a better life for me… she did it because she wanted a better life for herself. How are we meant to deal with that?

*May be a slight understatement

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Adoption CLASSES??? What’s Next? Adoptees for Purchase on Supermarket Shelves??? *Rolls eyes*

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Wow, two blog posts in the space of… 30 minutes!! But I just read this crap – some “experienced” adoptive mother thinks she’s experienced enough to now give CLASSES on adopting children??? W.T.F??? I thought I’d been quite good lately – I hadn’t felt too angry in regards to adoption stuff. But it seems that there will never cease to be serious misunderstandings amongst those who, ironically, consider themselves to be “experts” in the area of adoption. The thing I find really funny/amusing about this is that despite the fact that APs are only ONE side of the adoption triad, they seem to be the people who, generally, think they’re the experts on adoption – they think they’re the ones who have the knowledge, the rights to “teach” others on what it “means” to adopt a child.

Personally, this makes me sick. It makes me angry, frustrated and annoyed. Annoyed because what gives anyone like this the ego to actually think they understand all facets of the adoption triad to charge others money to hear the “expertise” they’ve gained in simply being an AP – the side of adoption that’s happy – the side that somehow gets away with ignoring the fact that adoptees and birth parents go through a hell of a lot of pain just for them to have their superficial wish and “need” to have a family???

Furthermore… what are we adoptees? Just products of a biased system based on western ideas? Things you can just purchase off a shop shelf? Things you can market us for to make money with???

All I really have to say to this “experienced” adoptive mother is: ironically, you’re clearly the one who needs educating. If you seriously think you’re as experienced and as knowledgable as you say, you wouldn’t be running your stupid classes in the first place. Ironically, you’re the one that clearly needs the educating. 9_9

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What Does it Take to BE a Member of a Nationality? Choosing to Adopt a Nationality VS Not Choosing

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Asian stereotypes, Australia, Korean culture, adoption, cultural differences, family, identity, life, random, 한국, 한국 사람

Robert and I have been casually watching this year’s Winter Olympics. I’m not normally into any sort of sporting events, but there’s not much on Australian TV nowadays, so we often end up having the Olympics on. Plus, my new boss is heavily into the hockey and is very Canadian, so it’s been impossible to avoid hearing about how Canada’s going in the hockey! One thing I’ve noticed, though, is that Korea’s not too bad at the Winter sports, particularly the speed skating. Almost every speed skating event I’ve seen has featured a Korean skater, and I can’t help but go for Korea. More so than Australia. Whenever someone Australian’s competing, I find myself to be very… indifferent. But when Korea’s competing, I actually get interested in the event and watch to see how they go. It’s weird, but that’s just what my reaction’s been the past couple of weeks.

When I was thinking about it today, I made a Facebook status that was something along the lines of: Is it bad that I go for Korea more than I do Australia in the Winter Olympics? One of my friends said that she goes for Korea more than she does the US (she’s American). Funny thing about that is… (as far as I know) there’s not a drop of Korean in her. Emily has been studying Korean much longer than I have. And I think she even went to Korea a month or so ago. As far as I know, one of her primary interests is Korea, and it’s almost as if she considers herself Korean. Or at least partially. A similar person is Matthew. I was chatting to him over email sometime last year, and in a similar way to Emily, it’s like he almost considers himself Korean, even though he’s American.

On the surface, I’ve always found this attitude sort of funny. Sometimes I see people like this, and I want to say to them: “why don’t you just accept who you are? Why bother putting in all the effort to be something you’re just… not?” That’s nice that you have an interest in Korea and all, but… aren’t you going a bit far? But then I thought about it… and thought: ‘well, really… what’s the difference between me and them?… Why is it weird when we see caucasian people attempting to assimilate into an Asian culture, but it’s almost just accepted the other way round?’ What does it mean to be a member of a particular nation? A country? A people?

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Life of an Adoptee – A Balancing Act of Sweet and Sour

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Australia, adoption, cultural differences, food, identity, life, random

윤선 and Robert’s Burrito Recipe

Ingredients:

Around 6-800g beef mince

1 brown onion

Sprinkle of dried basil

Sprinkle of dried oregano

Sprinkle of dried chilli (or fresh chopped very finely)

Sprinkle of paprika

Sprinkle of turmeric

Salt and pepper

Tortillas (we normally use the ones that come in packs of 6)

Lettuce

Tomatoes

Avocado

Grated cheese

Sour cream

Directions:

Chop onion finely, then saute in a bit of olive oil. Add beef and cook ’til mostly brown. Add salt, pepper, basil, oregano, chilli, paprika and turmeric (as much as you like of these. I normally just give a good shake of each ’til I think there’s enough). Continue cooking until the meat’s a bit drier and not to liquid-y.  Meanwhile, chop lettuce into small bits. Do the same for the tomato and chop the avocado into thin strips. Once the meat’s done, put a tortilla on a plate. Put a few spoonfuls of meat at the top, add lettuce, tomato, avocado and cheese and a few dollops of sour cream. Wrap and eat!

I apologise for my absence from this blog in the past week or so. I started a new job on Wednesday, and I’ve been quite tired! Although I’m enjoying my new work, there’s a lot to learn, and I’ve come home each night feeling rather braindead! Plus, I’ve taken up the very nerdy and expensive, but addictive hobby of playing Magic the Gathering with Robert – something he did with friends years ago and something I’m a total newbie at!

Anywho, it’s funny, the places we get inspiration for blog posts. Robert and I have been making burritos like this for a good few years now, despite the fact that they’re not genuinely Mexican. A couple of years ago I was watching a popular food show. On it they said that using mince in burritos isn’t the “correct” Mexican thing to do – genuine Mexican food doesn’t include mince at all. But despite this, most people I know make burritos with mince. Plus, if you look up burrito recipes online, many of them will include mince. It seems that the use of mince has made its way into the “western burrito”. Recipes evolve over time, and food is, really, just a big mixture of ingredients – collected by people from the things they have access to and the culture in which they’re living.

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Who is Really Doing the Adopting in Adoption?

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adoption, cultural differences, family, identity, 한국

Aside from it being Valentine’s Day this weekend, it’s also the Lunar New Year, or Seollal (pronounced Son-nal) in Korea. Until recently, my family has sometimes done things with my aunt, uncle and cousins because my uncle’s Malaysian. They’ve usually held big parties and such for it (which I’m not too fond of, ’cause I’m not really one for big parties). It’s always been something they’ve celebrated, and it’s always been “their” thing, when it comes to my extended family. I’ve always sort of felt like it’s never really had anything to do with us. I mean, why would it? No one’s Chinese in our family.

But the Lunar New Year isn’t only a Chinese thing. It’s also one of the largest Korean holidays. And it’s celebrated quite widely, as a part of Korean culture. We haven’t done anything this year (being Valentine’s Day and all. This year Robert and I have a nice brunch on the water organised. Hallmark holiday or not, I really like V-day.^^), but it’s something I actually intend to start doing something for. Even if it just means going to a Korean restaurant somewhere and having dinner. Why? Because I’m Korean. That’s all.

Adoption is normally defined as:

To take on or assume.

Pretty simple, yeah? Normally when a couple adopts a child, it’s assumed that the child takes on the culture and life their adoptive parents lead/live. Like most of us, we’re the ones who have to take on the culture we’ve been brought into; we have to learn the language of our new country; we have to grow up being… whatever it is we’ve been newly introduced to and just accept it as our lives. We’re expected to “just be happy” with our new surrounds and families. I guess because most of us are adopted when we’re very young, and like any baby, adopted or not, we don’t really have much in the way of choice.

But as another Seollal passes, it has me wondering why it was never celebrated as a Korean thing while I was growing up. Why is it that we adoptees are basically forced to be the only ones to really adopt anything when it’s our parents that have done the adopting in the first place? Really… why is it that it doesn’t work the other way? Why haven’t our adoptive parents thought to adopt our cultures? Our histories? Our backgrounds? Why is that of less importance than our adoptive cultures and lives?

In the documentary part of Adopted the Movie, I’ll never forget some of the advice that was given to people considering transracial adoption. They said something like:

When you adopt a child of colour, you become a family of colour.

I’ve never forgotten that. I guess because it’s a great way of thinking about things, and it’s a great way of putting things I felt as a child into words. And it begs the question: why shouldn’t adoptive parents partially adopt their child’s background culture/heritage? Why is it normally just the adoptee that’s supposed to make their adoptive culture their own? Why shouldn’t it work the other way round?

In my situation, sure, I’m the only adopted child – I’m the only one with Korean background. But still… does that mean it should just be ignored? Is my background of less importance, simply because I’m the only one with it? Where does that leave my history? My ancestors? Why is it that I’ve had to have consideration for my adoptive families’ backgrounds, histories and ancestors, when mine have never really even been acknowledged?

Like I’ve said before, I don’t like the word “adoption”. I think it implies and assumes too many things, and it often has a negative connotation on us adoptees. Maybe it’s taken for my generation of adoptees to grow up and voice our opinions and feelings for certain things to be known about what it really means to be adopted. But I certainly feel sometimes, that being adopted means that part of us has practically been erased. And I think that’s kind of sad.

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