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More Answers to Adoptee Questions. ^_^

Again, thanks everyone for contributing to my little question-answering… thing! Again, if you have questions, please ask here!! Anyway, here are some more answers! Again, if you don’t see your question here, it’ll be answered in subsequent posts! I’m just going through them all in the order they were sent to me.

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Mei Ling asked: I was wondering if you did a Korean language exchange and how that may or may not have helped your overall skills in the learning process…

I haven’t done an exchange, per se. I believe I did have the opportunities to do so as I was growing up, but like I’ve said in this blog – I was so desperate to just be like everyone around me, that it wasn’t something I wanted to do. Having said that, though, I have had Korean Sunday school classes recently (with other kids!) – something else I could have done as a child – and I think that has helped to a degree. I think being immersed in Korean culture with other Korean people (yes, being with KOREAN people helps. Not just being with other people who are learning Korean. They’re very different.) has also helped a lot, too. It’s made me feel much more connected to a group of people I naturally belong to, and it’s made me see the language in its natural “habitat”, I guess you could say. I think that learning Korean and learning about the culture in an academic way is completely different to just living it day to day. As an adoptee, I feel the living option is much more important than just learning from a text book. You learn a lot more than just a bunch of symbols on paper.

Sara_2 asked: I have been telling my 5 yo (adopted from China) that, not only does she have parents in China who look like her, but that there is an entire lineage in China, grandparents and great-grandparents and maybe brothers and sisters, that she is connected to all these people even though right now we don’t know who they are. This is something I came up with because of reading a number of adoptees who feel that they were just dropped on the earth somehow….. I am hoping it will help preempt that feeling a little bit. Wondering if you and your readers think this is a reasonable approach.

Also – do you have any thoughts on when and how to try to explain racism in any form, and then again, racism and objectifying sexually specifically directed at Asian women.

Umm… yeah, I don’t see anything wrong with telling your daughter about her lineage in China. Although I’d suggest being aware of how you’re wording things. Maybe I was just an overly sensitive child (which is very true), but the way you say things is very important. The best way I can explain this, is: have you, as a woman, ever been told something by a man in a seemingly insensitive, awful way? Not to blame him, but sometimes (and I do believe this is a man thing, not just a Robert thing!) my husband has the tendency to say/ask things to me in a way that sounds like an insult, despite the words he’s spouting. More often than not, I get offended because of the way he’s said something. EG: a sincere apology means a lot more than one simply stated as a short, abrupt: “sorry”. It’s the same when talking about adoption to an adoptee.

So I think it’s great that you’re talking about and acknowledging (acknowledgment is very important) that she has lineage in China. But just be aware of how you’re saying things. Sometimes, when Robert says things that, to me, sound awful, I just want to say: “go say that same thing, just as you did, to yourself in a mirror, then see what you think”. I think this is advice we could all use once in a while.

Following the email you sent me before commenting here, I’m really sorry that you came to Oz and had the experience you did. It’s funny in a way – the area of Sydney you were in was… what’s known as a bit of a dodgy area. Personally, it’s an area I avoid like the plague. Yes, it’s a poorer area, but generally speaking, people there can be a bit more narrow minded, racist and prejudiced. Not all of Sydney’s like that, I can assure you!

Having said that, I was very lucky that for the majority of my childhood, my family lived in a very wealthy, affluent and diverse area. Later, when I was about 16, we moved closer to the area you were talking about, and that’s when I really began to experience racism and the whole Asian sexual objectification that some (sick) people seem to have. I think it made my parents really sad when this happened, and in my naivete, I didn’t really get what was going on. My parents sort of got away with not needing to worry about it early on! But if you’re feeling the need to discuss this matter with a 5 year old, just take things slow. It was hard for me to understand as a 16 year old, let alone a 5 year old!

Also, if you have random people saying sexual-type things around your daughter, like any parent, adoptive or not, I’d simply MOVE. At this stage, I’m sure your daughter’s probably only just getting her head around being from China, let alone the sickness of adult assumptions and fetishes. I wouldn’t be mentioning that now!

But if you’re trying to talk about racism to a 5 year old, I’d be very general and just say something like: “some people in the world don’t understand about other places in the world. You don’t have to get on with these people”, or something. I’m not a parent, but in this case, at her age, I’d let her lead. Don’t force things down her throat. Just let her know that you love her, and she’s welcome to ask you anything she likes. ALSO: make sure she knows you won’t be offended by asking/talking to her. A lot of the time, I held back talking to my parents about my adoption because I didn’t want to hurt them. This is wrong. It should be your job to talk to her about anything she wants, regardless of whether or not you’re hurt by it. Of course, you’re going to have emotions, but you don’t want her to be afraid of talking to you or hurting your feelings!

Tonggu Momma asked: I realize there is no magic formula for all of this, but in your personal experience, what five things did your parents do/ encourage/ assist you with that helped you the most in your life-long adoption journey? And what five things did they fail to do that you most wish they had done?

This is getting really long. LOL. So please click “continue reading” below for more questions and answers. ^_^

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Bridging the Gap Part II

Today was my first day of Korean Sunday School. Embarrassingly, I was clearly the oldest “student” in the class. I was one of four students – the other three were around… 12 years old. LOL. So I was a bit embarrassed and humiliated at first, and at the start of the class, despite the teacher’s friendliness, I found myself thinking ‘I don’t think I’ll come back here… too embarrassing, and I don’t think I’ll learn a great deal’… but two hours later, even though I still felt out of place, I had a good time, and figured that: 1. If I don’t continue going, I’ll greatly regret it later on and 2. I’ll gradually pick up the language – not from the lessons per se, but simply from hearing native speakers and being in a context where I can practice my pronunciation and stuff. I feel like I’m making up for lost time in going – I didn’t do this as a child, and it’s never too late to learn… right?! XD Also, I figured that if I combine Sunday School with my own self learning, I should be (slowly) on the way to knowing quite a lot of Korean in life. 화이팅!

Anyway, I received a few comments on the first part of this blog update, and I thought it may be interesting to post my responses in a post. However, before I do so, I want to explain myself a little bit.

I think one thing that people don’t seem to understand about me, as an adoptee, are the reasons why I pursue Korean, knowledge of Korea and the culture and my Korean “side”. Understandably, many people seem to assume that I am learning my “mother tongue” because it’s an “interest”. Similarly to the way most people have hobbies and interests, Korean is mine, right? Well, you’d be wrong in thinking this way. As interests, my personal interests include: writing, reading books, the occasional drawing of pictures, playing Final Fantasy video games (yes, after almost a decade, I still play these things. ROFL), cooking and baking and eating (!), and more recently (on a personal note) learning about my religious side and Christianity and my beliefs. I also enjoy spending time with family and friends.

I would not say that Korea fits into that list. In my endeavours to learn Korean, I have met many (lovely) people who probably would put Korea/Korean into their lists of interests. Similarly to the way my husband is interested in Japan and technology. But I wouldn’t. Simply put, I don’t think Korea is just an interest to me, but more a part of me. That’s probably a bit convoluted and difficult for people to grasp, but I pursue my Korean roots because otherwise I simply feel as though something is missing from my life. I’m learning Korean because I refuse to live the rest of my life feeling like half a person. This, however, is not as simple as just eating Korean food regularly, or listening to Kpop, or even learning the language. It’s a whole being. It’s not just something I can switch on or off. It’s not something I can “just” come back to later on (despite what I thought a few years ago), nor is it something I can just forget about and stop being “interested” in. Korea, as frustrating as it can be, is just an inherent part of me. It’s something I can’t escape (no matter how much I’d like to sometimes). It’s not something I can run from (even though I tried very hard to as a child). It’s something that just is. Like the way we just breathe air. Korean is just a part of me. And that’s why I pursue it: not because it’s an interest, but because without it, I feel as though a part of me is missing.

Anywho, onto responding to some comments and venting about Korean Sunday School…

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Australia and Korea – Bridging the Gap Part I

My life recently has been interesting. And the gap between my two worlds only seems to be growing larger and larger. Since starting my job, I have befriended the three Korean people in the office. In the past few weeks, I’ve been to a couple of Korean restaurants and supermarkets with them, and generally begun to feel more “Korean”. What’s more is that I am starting to think a little bit in Korean. Not a lot, just a little bit. When people say things to me, I go to answer in Korean, then have to remind myself that the person/people I’m talking to wouldn’t understand!

Tomorrow I am starting Korean school. It’s run by a work friend’s church, and it’s what my parents could have sent me to as a child. I’ll probably be the oldest person there by far, as they’re usually designed for kids and teenagers. So I’m pretty nervous! However, I also feel like this is a huge opportunity for me, and I know I’d really regret it if I didn’t give it a go tomorrow.

However, the more Korean I learn, and the more Korean I “experience”, the more I’m finding a wider gap occurring between my two worlds. Robert (and the rest of my family) aren’t really interested in Korea. Robert’s only real connection to it is Starcraft (a computer game that is hugely popular in Korea) and his interest in all things technology. When it comes to the language, culture and my background, though, he’s not really interested. And I’m not going to force him to be. But I do feel that it’s causing a rift between us, because he can’t relate to, or experience this part of my life with me. When I’m around him and my family, I feel “Australian”. But when I’m not with them, I feel like I’m a mixture of both. And when I’m with my new Korean friends, I feel much more Korean – a feeling which can be scary, but also relieving. I really like it.

Because I really like “feeling Korean”, I do feel somewhat disappointed that Robert is, ultimately, missing out on this chunk of my life. And it’s a bit sad. A few weeks ago, we were talking about the different ways people seem to bring up their families (since so many people we know seem to be having children). His sister and her husband are currently in the process of a really huge move, and it seems as though they spend a lot of time apart, which means he doesn’t get to see his own wife and son very often. Although this is only a temporary thing, Robert and I agreed that it’s not something we’d want. Even if it was something that was to last six or so months, if we had children, I’d be really sad knowing that Robert was missing out on any of our children’s development – not being able to come home and see us every night. That would just make me sad. But similarly, I feel like because he’s so removed from everything Korean, I feel like he’s becoming further removed from me.  And the same for my family. My Korean side is a side of me that the people closest to me don’t share with me. And it’s not really something I can change. Ultimately, it’s up to them… I’m also unsure as to how to bridge the distance that only seems to be increasing as I “become” more Korean and more… me. Although I’m happy within myself to be more “Korean”, I feel like I’m leaving my family behind…

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This post will be continued after tomorrow, once I’ve been to my first Korean school class…

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A Post About My Korean Progress – Something I Haven’t Done for a While!

안녕하세요! 한국어를 얘기 하는 것 오랜만이에요!

Tonight I made a couple of videos for Shanna’s Blog. She’s been interviewing people about their experiences in learning Korean. I thought I’d participate, so I made a couple of videos in response to her questions. Unfortunately, I had more to say than I thought, so I had to make two videos. LOL. The first one is still being uploaded to YouTube (damn, it’s slow!), but the second one is done, so I thought I’d share^^ (I’m clearly not the most confident person in front of the camera. HAHA. And I look like a total dag, but hey, it’s Friday night!):

Anywho, I’ve still been learning Korean. Or trying to, anyway. Like I said in the video, I try to get speaking practice while I’m driving to and from work. LOL. So although I probably look like I’m some crazy weirdo who talks to herself while sitting in traffic, I’m actually finding that the little practice I do is… sort of paying off! XD

Speaking of which, though, I have made a few Korean friends at work! AND they’ve invited me to go for dinner next week to a local Korean restaurant! One of them said that they hope to make it a regular thing! I’m really excited about this! I’m hoping I’ll finally have a reason to USE some of the Korean I know. It’ll be great, though, to be around lots of Korean people again, though, now that I understand the culture a bit more. This’ll definitely be a good experience, though, I’m thinking. Normally when I go to Korean places, I’m with others who aren’t Korean, so I don’t get much in the way of “experiencing” Korean and having people all around me speak the language. Nor do I really get that feeling of belonging that only comes from being around other Korean people. So I’m anxiously anticipating Monday.^^

Anyway, time for bed, methinks! This was a rather random, casual blog update. But hey… the light heartedness of it is probably needed here! I think my blog’s been getting a bit too serious as of late…

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Korean in my Future

Matthew‘s posts on the Korean Class 101 blog are always inspiring to me and always seem to give me random things that I can update this blog with. His last post was about certain mannerisms in Korean culture, and it made me think about a few things… Keith (one of KC101′s podcasters) reminded me in a comment on this post, that Korean people generally say hello to me, because in Australia, I’m automatically “accepted” into their cultural group because I am wholly Korean on the outside. Funnily enough, this is something I’ll never escape.

Since starting a full time job seven weeks ago, I have had a lot of time to think and contemplate while sitting in peak hour traffic. Tonight, as my feet were regularly pressed down on first gear and the clutch (or the brake), I began to think about the future (I think about the future a lot) and what exactly I want out of it. It would be a lie for me to say that, really, my life will be “normal”. As much as I want the white collar career, the picket fence, the dog and the two kids, I can’t deny that my life path may be a little different to others, as an adoptee. During my lunch breaks at work, I have been trying to continue my endeavours to learn Korean. This is very challenging sometimes, as I often just want to do nothing in my 45 minutes of freedom. And sometimes my learning Korean seems futile and hopeless. I sometimes find myself thinking ‘why am I bothering? Will I even have any use for this knowledge in my life? I don’t even know many Korean people, so why bother?’. It would be so easy just to give up. But I’ve done that before, and I know how sad I become not knowing any Korean at all. Without it, I feel as though there’s something missing from me – it’s like I’m an apple and someone’s come along and taken a big chunk out of me. I cling to learning the Korean language in order to cling to my identity as a Korean person.

However, in my thinking on my way home tonight, I thought about the future. I thought about not only what I’D like to do with MY Korean, but also what happens if Robert and I have a family one day…

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My Brief Experience with my University’s Korean Society

Jae Ran over at Harlow’s Monkey recently posted a link to this article, talking about ways in which adoptees can help their identities develop, as well as how adoptive parents can help their child/ren. There is a lot I could say about this article, however one thing that stood out for me was:

Her recommendations include encouraging adoptees to join Asian student organizations and study abroad in Asia… But he also warns that Asian-American organizations need to be sensitive to newcomers, embracing them and not being judgmental. If they suggest that people are truly Korean only if they speak the language or know the culture, they can unwittingly alienate adoptees who grew up in white households, he said. That’s because Asian adoptees live in two worlds, he said.

Why am I learning the Korean language? To be “truly Korean”? To find that part of myself that is familiar yet so foreign to me? In my early days on university (thank God they’re long gone!), I actually tried doing just this – joining a Korean society. It failed. Miserably. Mainly because it’s not only Australian people that don’t understand adoptees, but Koreans as well. In fact, I found that Korean people are more blind to us adoptees than the western world is, which is very sad, in my opinion. In the beginning, I really thought that joining UWS’s Korean Society would help me find myself much more. Instead, however, it only made me feel more alienated.

At the start of one of my uni semesters, there were posters all around the place advertising for the society and its first event of the year. My hangul-reading ability was very limited at the time, so I only relied on the English translation/s. The first event (which I’d planned to go to) was a dinner at some restaurant in the city. My (retarded and gross) boyfriend at the time decided to come with me. We showed up and not only was everyone Korean (I think this was one of the first times I actually LOOKED like everyone else around me), but they were speaking Korean too. I think I only managed to stay for about five minutes before getting up and running out in humiliation and from simply feeling overwhelmed. (My then-boyfriend (one of those ‘ugh, did I really go out with him?’ elements of my life) tried to force me to go back in, but that only made me feel worse and I yelled at him, saying he didn’t understand (which he didn’t)). I didn’t go back.

Thinking about it now, though, I think there were a few reasons as to why my attempt at fitting in with my university’s Korean students didn’t work. However disappointed I was at the time, it’s not really surprising to me now, and I’d do things differently now if I was given the opportunity to go back in time and correct those particular mistakes. Still, I believe I learnt from it, and it’s probably a memory I’ll have forever

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