Thanks
Roby Gupta

And you are probably right in that our experiences with APs have been vastly different. But what I meant to say is that of the people I know, the DECISION to adopt was taken very seriously, and was not “a simple thing” for any of them. For example, I talked to an AP who said it took her and her husband a long time to come to the decision to adopt, because they wanted to be sure they could love a child of another race. Another friend said she did not think she could love a non-bio child as much and thus will never adopt even though she cannot conceive.

Your point is not an invalid one by any means. At some point, I think some people (mostly women) who have been struggling with infertility will become so desperate that they will want a child by any means, and then, yes, adoption will come to mind. But of the people I know, it was never a “meh we’ll adopt” thing.

Please don’t think I meant to attack you. Your blog and others like it has educated me, an AP, a lot about the kinds of thoughts and questions an adoptee may have towards their own adoption and towards adoption in general. It has really changed my views on adoption and particularly transracial adoption. I’ve been extremely grateful that your blogs are out there.

MOST people? And you know MOST people?

I guess, then, our experiences have been very different when it comes to the exposure we’ve had to adoptive parents.

If adoption is something that is taken so seriously, then why is it that many adoptive parents don’t seem to think about the other sides of the adoption triad? If you’re all so thoughtful as you claim, then why is it that many adoptive parents seem to fail when it comes to really considering what it may be like for the other two sides??

However, I have met many adoptive parents and I don’t know a single one who did the “meh I’ll just adopt” thing. It was a very difficult decision for most, because they had to come to terms with the idea that they may never have a mini version of themselves running around. Many had to sit on the idea for a long time before they could truthfully say to themselves that they could love a non-bio child of another race. Contrary to what you may think, adoption is not the obvious choice for most people. I currently know 3 couples struggling with infertility (for over 2 years) and not once have any of them ever uttered the word “adoption”.

It’s not “a simple issue” at all. This is a life we’re taking responsibility for, it’s something most people take very, very seriously when making the decision to adopt.

We APs moan about the many hurdles we had to jump, but honestly, I’m GLAD those hurdles exist, because they’re there to weed out the “meh I’ll just adopt” people.

I don’t feel that adoption HAS to be a first choice. But I do think it’s a little wrong for people to say: “well, we DID want our own children, but we couldn’t have them, so we JUST decided to adopt” – as if it’s a simple issue. I understand why people do it and I understand that it is a second choice for many, but how is a child meant to feel when they hear their parents say that?

I also feel that bringing up a biological child and an adopted child are two very different things, and in saying “well, we couldn’t have our own children, so we decided to adopt” sort of implies that they’re the same. I simply think that the two are just DIFFERENT – two different things that, in many ways, can’t really be compared…

“What happens to the 16 year old girl who is forced to leave the orphanage and has no work skills and no formal education and no family to fall back on if she can’t find housing or work? What will she be forced to do to survive? Who comforts her when she’s frightened or hurt? Just thinking about it breaks my heart.

What would you do to help her if you could?”
I don’t really know how to answer your question. In selfish terms, I could simply say: “well, those people aren’t my responsibililty. They have nothing to do with me.” And I know this sounds incredibly selfish. However, although there are many people suffering in the world, are we supposed to take responsibility for the lives of all others who may not be as “fortunate” as we are?

If I was ever to adopt, it’d be from Korea. Why? Because I feel like I, personally, have a connection to them – being a Korean adoptee, myself, I’d do things differently to the way my parents did (and the way/s other adoptive parents do), simply based on the knowledge that came with the experiences I’ve had from being a Korean adoptee. I don’t think I’d adopt from any other country. And I don’t think that’s selfish of me. As nice as it is to put out for needy people, where do we draw the line between how we live our own lives, and how much we do for others? How can we take on the responsibility that others have simply neglected?

It’s a very tough issue, and one that I can’t really find the words to explain in a small comment. But I will also say that I do think that adopting an older child would be COMPLETELY different to adopting a child from a very young age…

When I was 18, I lived in Korea and I visited an orphanage and decided right then that I’d someday adopt a baby from there. That was the early 1980′s and it was 20 years before I eventually did adopt two children (but from Chinese orphanages). By then, I was 40 and my husband wanted biological children for all the reasons you mentioned (to see a little piece of himself, etc). But we lost three pregnancies and it was really heartbreaking because we wanted children for all of the selfish reasons ANY parents wants them. We weren’t looking to rescue anyone but it is an inescapable reality that adopting our daughters did spare them from a life without a family. I look at them and I don’t see orphans. I just see the beautiful faces of my children and even though they don’t miss all of the things you do, they probably will eventually and that’s why I read your blog. I want to help my beloved daughters find peace and happiness in the world with the hand they were dealt. If I could wave a magic wand and erase all the bad things from their life and put them back with their original family, I surely would. But the only thing I have control over is putting them back in the orphanage — not back with their family — and that’s unacceptable to me.

I’d love to adopt again (a dozen times!) but only children who are older and are on the verge of being turned out into a society that won’t support or understand or accept them. What happens to the 16 year old girl who is forced to leave the orphanage and has no work skills and no formal education and no family to fall back on if she can’t find housing or work? What will she be forced to do to survive? Who comforts her when she’s frightened or hurt? Just thinking about it breaks my heart.

What would you do to help her if you could?

I understand your point about people using adoption as their “meh” second choice after not being able to conceive naturally. (Though I’m pretty sure that’s why I have the family I do. I still don’t have any hard feelings about it.) Do you think adoption should be a choice from the beginning (People saying, “I want to adopt. Period.”) or do you think that no one should adopt?