Posted by 윤선 in Babies, adoption, family, identity, life, parenting | 22 Comments
“Orphan”: What is Wrong with this Word?
I was recently e-mailed by another adoptive parent, thanking me for giving my adoptee insight. Fine. That’s nice. I’m glad you can benefit from my experiences in life. She recently made a post here, talking about why people should adopt yadda yadda yadda. Despite the general point of her post, I really resent her repeated use of the word “orphan“. It makes me angry and it makes me angry on behalf of any children they may adopt. Harsh? Perhaps, but before you go commenting about how cold-hearted I may sound in saying that, I believe some people need to think about what they’re implying when they use certain words. Names are not just pretty sounding things. They are a way of identifying both ourselves and those around us. Hence the reason why many adoptees tend to go back to using their names given to them by their natural parents.
Firstly, what is so wrong with identifying a child by the term “orphan”? I’ll start by thinking about the way/s I used to identify myself as a child:
~I was Australian
~I was Korean (which I didn’t like)
~I was different from the rest of my family
~I was an adoptee (which I also didn’t like)
Aside from the first point, I didn’t really like the others. They made me feel ashamed, different, alienated. Although my parents have always referred to me as their daughter (no different to their biological daughter, my sister), I knew deep down that I still have natural parents out there somewhere. Throw in the word “orphan” by my parents, and I believe I would have felt even more shame in myself and my differences.
“Orphan” comes with negative connotations. It comes with the assumption that either:
1. Our natural parents died
or:
2. Our natural parents abandoned us: that their part in our adoption/s were wholly negative, cruel, selfish and inconsiderate of their child. Sure, that may be true in some circumstances, but my point is, you don’t know. You don’t know the stories behind birth parents. You don’t know why the child was given up. As cruel as it may seem to abandon a child, using verbs like “orphaned” implies that something unimaginably cruel was done to your child. I’m not discounting that giving a child up is cruel, in some respects. But who are you, as an adoptive parent, to judge the lives of the people you are getting a child from?
Furthermore, what sort of an image of self identity are you passing along to your child? How are you making them feel about themselves, to constantly go around saying “you’re an orphan”, “you were orphaned, so we took you in”, “your parents orphaned you” etc etc? Not only are you placing a rather negative image of them onto them, you’re building in them a negative image of their natural parents when they don’t even know their story. Don’t they deserve to have the chance at developing their own opinions, as opposed to hearing your negative terminology over and over?
I wince when I see adoptive parents using the word “orphan” so repeatedly like the above parent. It comes off as disrespectful for the child and the natural parents and puts them on a pedestal as if to say “I’m better because I have the power to take this child and make them my own. I have the money to make me look like I’m doing the world a wonderful service. Who cares whether I know the backstory or not?”. I feel for the child/ren that are adopted by people who say/imply these sorts of things, because adoptees have enough to adapt to, as it is. We don’t need to hear negative crap and negative terminology used to identify us, our backgrounds, heritage and roots as well. I feel for these adoptees and the shame they’re going to have to overcome: not only the shame that comes with being different, but the shame and further difference placed on them through the use of a “simple” word.
Would you do that to a biological child? Identify them as anything other than your child? No. Then why do it to an adoptee?
Related posts:
Whoa there… I think we have a bit of a misunderstanding here. Yes, I used the word ‘orphan’ a regrettable number of times in a blog post. Does that mean I will EVER use this word in speaking to my child? Absolutely not. Please don’t project things about me that you simply don’t know.
I am planning to make my blog private when my children are old enough to be online. I want to have space now to share my journey with others, but I also want to carefully control everything my children see and hear from me, both in person and online.
Feel angry and sorry for my kids if you must, that’s up to you. But I am doing what adoptees are telling adoptive parents to do – I am listening to adult adoptees. I know I have a million miles to go. I’m fumbling along here, but all the while trying to listen to you and others who are sharing adoptee and/or birthparent perspectives.
If you’re going to listen to me as well, I want to respectfully ask that you do so keeping in mind that, just as I don’t know you and your story, you don’t know me and mine. To say that I disrespect my child’s birth family and will pepper my child’s life with negativity is an unfounded statement. Let’s both play fair and be respectful.
With gratitude,
Haley
See, it’s funny: I’ve been asked by APs before not to judge them and “project” things about them, when… that’s exactly what my issue with your use of a certain word was in the first place: it’s judgmental, it’s cold, it’s an assumption of something you know nothing about. Be respectful? Please. If you were respectful at all, you might like to think about what exactly you’re saying in regards to what you’re doing by adopting before you tell adoptees to be such.
Am I angry? A bit. Am I offended? Yes. If you find this “disrespectful”, fine. But please don’t ask me to do something that you clearly haven’t thought about, yourself.
I apologize for my insensitive use of the word “orphan”. I am genuinely sorry that it offended you, and I am thankful for the opportunity to learn more about how to use language in a way that is respectful. I *am* trying, though apparently still failing quite thoroughly. I’ll be quiet now until I have a better handle on how to address these issues with more dignity given to all parties involved.
Thanks again,
Haley
I am sorry if you were offended and confronted by my post. Confrontation seems to be a continual theme when it comes to adoption.
Nah, not offended, just personally misrepresented (which is exactly what I inadvertently did to you in my post… no fun eh?). But no, always thankful for your perspective and not offended.
I think language is a really big thing in adoption. Words that we may – as adults – take for granted and not think twice about can have a huge effect on young adoptees. Even at a young age, I’ve always felt that words like “orphan” came with a negative connotation. As a child, I remember watching movies like Annie and Oliver and thinking ‘I’m glad I’m not an orphan and have to live in an orphanage’, because my parents never identified me as such. If they had, I would have felt like I did identify with these unfortunate characters that I was seeing on TV – something which I would not have wanted, along with the other things that simply come with being adopted at all.
Also, not to get nit-picky, but you say my post was about “why people should adopt yadda yadda yadda “… the main topic was actually about why people should NOT adopt. I am a bit frustrated that you label my post this way as if to say, “oh you know those stupid APs and the dumb stuff they say”. Its fine to think it’s stupid – maybe it is stupid, but it’s not about “why people should adopt”.
Fine. To be honest, I didn’t read your entire post. Your use of the word “orphan” simply became too much to handle.
In regards to your previous comment, regardless of what you do/say with/to your own children, you’re still offending the rest of us who are able to read your post.
That being said, I don’t believe my post was one to be so simply brushed off by APs who just think I’m here to lash out at them. Like I’ve said many times, I don’t side with either APs or natural parents. I simply post in here my thoughts and feelings: those of an adoptee. If you feel offended and affronted by what has been said here, perhaps you should think about the ramifications that a simple word can have, when it comes to adoption, because “simple”, single words mean a lot to adoptees, children or adults.
Totally agree, your point is not to be brushed aside at all — I hope you saw the comment I left on my own blog addressing this, but in case you didn’t here it is:
—
윤선,
Thank you so much for sharing this. The term ‘orphan’ does tend to be problematic… I didn’t mean to throw it around nonchalantly. The problem lies in the difference between “a child whose biological parents are deceased” and “a child who is legally ready to be adopted”. There is certainly a vast difference between those two categories of children, and yet the word orphan is used for both of them interchangeably. This can be confusing and (I’m learning – thank you again) painful for adoptees.
It is interesting how powerful language can be in shaping people’s assumptions and understandings when it comes to something as complicated and messy as adoption. I will do my best to be careful and considerate of the power behind the words I use.
—
OK, now I really will be quiet. (haha)
Just something to consider…
We live in a technological era now. Kids often use the Internet at far younger ages and sometime end up Googling the strangest things, including themselves.
I’d keep that in mind if I were you…
Simply because, well, kids grow up.
Very valid points made here. I don’t use the word orphan. I will never use that word to describe my daughter. She wasn’t an orphan. I know her back story. I met her mother. I cried with her mother. She was far from an orphan. She has a mother that loves her very much and her mother made a very difficult decision. A decision that meant I got to be a mom but left her without her daughter. I will tell my daughter just how much her mother loved her. I will hope against hope that some day they can meet in person. I will find a way to tell my daughter her story. It is complex, complicated and painful. That said, she is not an orphan. She may have lived in an orphanage for a short time but that does not an orphan make.
There are exactly two adoptive parent blogs that I read regularly. Most of them are not worth reading, IMO, unless of course the AP also happens to be an adoptee. I don’t need more AP perspective; I AM one. Frankly there are so many blogs that it almost seems a requirement in the international adoption process!!
ANYWAY. I just wanted to let you know that I would never refer to either of my children as an orphan. It is just way too negative, a loaded term, and anyway to me it means some both of whose parents have DIED. I hate that all of the US immigration paperwork refers to bringing an Orphan into the country. My kids are not orphans!! They still have families. There ought to be a different term for children who have been relinquished for adoption.
i have this hole in my chest, that will be far more vast in her own, where my daughter’s first parents reside (or, don’t, because they are missing from her story). i have not once referred to my daughter as an orphan, because i’ve never viewed her as one. i guess the word for me, personally, implies a child that was “discarded”- if they weren’t legitimately “orphaned” by losing both parents in death. and that in and of itself is not only negative, but offensive to me.
i can’t claim to know the reasons her first parents left her at the gate of an orphanage in China. what i do know, is the the character for “abandon”, if i remember correctly, translates more closely to: “left to be found”. and so, if she were abandoned, my hope (unfounded) is that E’s parents wished for her to be found, to have life, to be taken care of.
not only that, but calling her an orphan would in some way erase or minimize (at best) the role her nannies and caregivers played in her life- which was IMMEASURABLE. my daughter was infinitely and deeply loved, which is apparent from the over 200 photos we have from her stay at a New Hope for 3 years.
orphan has always rubbed me the wrong way and i too tire of hearing APs refer to their kids this way.
one sentence rings in my head from a post i read by another AP not long ago:
“once orphaned, now loved” or something like that.
seriously??
If adoptive parents ever refer to their child as an orphan, that suggests to me that they probably should have sponsored a child rather than adopted a child.
Having said that… it’s a steep learning curve, with little done to educate or prepare prospective adoptive parents. Haley, if you are still reading, keep at it. If we as adoptive parents remain teachable, we will all of us eventually get further up the learning curve. I know I continue to try. And I’m always grateful, and sometimes humbled, when I am given the opportunity to listen to adoptees and first parents.
I really have respect for APs that are open and WILLING to listen and learn. I don’t think I know everything – who does? – but I think that APs that want to learn are the ones that will really reap the benefits later in life. For those that don’t, things may seem peachy while their children are babies, but I feel for them further down the track when their kids get older. Believe it or not, we adoptees grow up.
yep, still here.
thank you, tonggu momma!
I think the use of the term “orphan” by adoptive parents often reflects there want/need for the whole situation to be clear cut. If a child in an “orphan” it means their parents are dead (or symbolically gone). What a lot of AP avoid facing is the fact that this is simply NOT the case the vast majority of adoptions.
Children are available for adoption for MANY reasons, most of which are not due to death of their family (or extended family) but far more often have to do with economic situations, medical concerns the family cannot treat on their own or do not know how to manage, social taboos (i.e. unwed mothers), and abuse/neglect.
I think, unfortunately, many AP want to avoid and separate from the system that “gave” them their child– they don’t want to feel the guilt and sadness that may come from knowing the true stories of most adopted children (i.e. the child had a medical condition and the in-laws forced the mother to abandon the child, or the family was starving and gave up their children in hopes they would have a better life, or the child’s mother was mentally ill and a drug addict)
I think the reason many APs use the term “orphan” is often the same reason many APs choose to adopt internationally– they think it will be clear cut and less “messy” (“will it be an open or closed adoption?” is not a question most international APs have to ask themselves).
It is sort of an “out of sight, out of mind” mentally that needs to be shattered.
I think you have a point. For some. I believe, however, that your comment is a huge generalisation on the part of APs. Yes, I’m sure there are APs out there that use terms like “orphan” for the reasons you’ve stated, however I think in cases such as Haley’s, I believe it was used from an ignorant POV. I don’t mean that in a bad way, I mean it in – she hasn’t had a lot of exposure to adoptees and she’s used the word without thinking. Yes, I was annoyed by it, but I also think that we can’t generalise all APs and their use of certain terms.
Why do I say this? Because I hate it when I see people generalise adoptees, as though we’re all the same, as though we all have the same feelings and reasons behind our actions. I feel the same goes for anyone. Adoptees, APs or first parents.
But there are also parents who use the term “orphan” to legally follow the conducting of the adoption process – and yet they know their child has parents who are alive and legally accessible.
I think this statement: [If a child in an “orphan” it means their parents are dead (or symbolically gone).]
is what LinZi is trying to clarify. If a child has been legally “orphaned” then it indicates the symbolism their parents out of the social picture, and therefore adoption shouldn’t be a problem.
yes I agree… there is a reason I used the term “many APs” not APs or all APs
I’m real late to this post, but wanted to add one thing related to the use of the word “orphan” in adoption conversations.
Adoptive parents of children adopted from other countries have an obligation to use this word with great care. We, more than any others, know that orphans in the true sense of the word – children who have no living parents – are not the majority of children adopted transnationally. Our use of this word in the context of intercountry adoption gives the a false impression of our actions.
I’m glad Haley hung around for the good comments from others. I hope lots of APs do the same.
Having two grown kids, I also second 윤선: children grow up. I want to be able to look mine in the eye and account for my words, and the “savior” theme would definitely not cut it.
Good post, good discussion. Thanks, 윤선!
Just wanted to pop back in & say thanks for the helpful comments.
If I could go back in time and have another shot at responding to this I would say:
I am thankful for the broadened perspective I now have on this word. 윤선 is right to say I used it inappropriately out of ignorance, and for that I apologize. However, the actual point of my post (which was completely lost under an awful cloud of poor word-choice) was not too terribly far off from what 윤 선 is actually talking about in this post and what others have touched on in the comments. My point was that adoption is NOT (not Not NOT!) about “saving an orphan” but rather about entering into a lifelong commitment to parent a child who is not biologically yours. My hope was to help other potential adoptive parents see past the whole “orphan crisis” motivation and think long and hard about whether they are really stepping into this big, beautiful, messy thing called adoption because they actually want to raise someone else’s biological children. Obviously I shot myself in the foot before I really got started… but anyway, that’s what I was trying to say.
And to tie it back into this post, if adoptive parents can abandon the romantic idea of “saving an orphan” and adjust their language and attitudes accordingly, hopefully this will help to foster a healthy self-concept and identity in their children, without the weight of being labeled as an “orphan” or “someone who needed saving.”
I still have a long way to go in my quest to be able to talk about these issues sensitively, and this blog & its comments continue to offer me much-needed perspective. For that I am very grateful!