This article here really brought back some memories and things that people say that make me cringe. The word “real” seems to be synonomous with the word “adoption” for people who simply don’t think and/or are completely clueless. I have honestly lost count of the amount of times I’ve heard people say “oh, so your parents aren’t your REAL parents? Have you met your REAL parents before?”. After 25 (almost 26) years of this, I think I’m going to wring someone’s neck the next time I hear it.
The word “real” implies that there is a “fake”. It frustrates me when people look at me as if I’ve said something totally absurd when I tell them “my adoptive parents are my real parents”. My Mum and Dad here in Australia are the people who have loved and cared for me all my life. They are the ones who have given me a very comfortable home, every basic need a child needs and more. How is that not real? How is that fake? Saying that my adoptive parents aren’t my “real” parents is implying not only that they’re unimportant, but that my whole life here has been fake. And that’s very sad. And offensive.
What’s shocked me all the more throughout my life are the particular people who say these things. More often than not, it’s been the people I wouldn’t expect it from who say it. I’ll never forget one time when I was a child – probably around the age of nine or ten – and my cousins (who would have been around three years old) came up to me and said: “our Mum told us that you’re not your Mum and Dad’s real daughter”. I was so shocked. Sure, I’d heard these sorts of things before from family acquaintances and such, but I hadn’t expected it to come from the mouths of people who were supposedly my family. That particular aunt has gone on to continue saying very odd things throughout the years, but that was the first time I became aware of the fact that it’s not only people who are far removed from you that are prone to shallow misunderstanding.
The person who wrote the above post went on to ask:
Have you had close family members make shocking comments about your adoption? Do members of your family treat any of your children different and if so, how do you handle it? Do you think that more people from this older generation view adoption differently?
And I would have to say that, from an adoptee’s point of view, there are people in my “family” who view me differently to other members of my “family”. Certain aunts and uncles have said things to both myself and my parents which have caused me to really keep my distance from them and withdraw, and I will continue doing so, probably for a very long time to come! I think it’s strange when these sorts of things happen within your family. Sure, it’s sort of expected from people outside your family, but when it happens within it, it’s different. And I think this is part of the reason why I have certain issues with much of my “extended family” – feeling as though I don’t really belong and that I need to be someone/thing else when I’m around them.
Something I’ve always abhorred is favouritism. If I had gone on with teaching as my career, I would have strived to not show or have any favouritism within my class and among my students. I know what it feels like – to feel as if you’re worth less than other members of your family, simply because you may look different or were born in a very unknown country. It frustrates me to the core, not only when I feel this way, but when I see it being done to others. It’s something that’s acted upon a lot amongst my “extended family”, and there are few ways that communicate “you aren’t good enough. Be someone else” more successfully than knowing you’re not as good as someone else.
In all honesty, I think the whole generational thing is a stupid excuse for misunderstanding and narrow mindedness. Sure, people of other generations may have different ideas, but we’re all living in the same day and age, and with today’s easily accessiblity of information, I really don’t think people can use generation as an excuse.
I think learning Korean this year has really given me a deeper appreciation and understanding of the English language. And I think people really need to think about the words that come out of their mouths a bit more carefully when talking about topics they clearly have little insight into. Yes, the word “real” may seem somewhat trivial to many people, but it is a word that’s cut very deep with me and has many implications that may not only offend the person you’re talking to, but their families as well.
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Tags: angry adoptee, me, parents, racism, relationships
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I think that the difference with younger generations is that we still make mistakes, but different mistakes than previous generations.
Because I experienced being the non-favorite within my family, I am sensitive to it with my two sons. I think it’s a natural response for children to want to be a favorite, but children dont understand the negative consequences of it. They can only see what they want at the moment and cannot look beyond into the future.
Whether you are adopted or not, favoritism hurts, even to adult children. It’s up to the parents to handle favoritism appropriately. As a mother, I have one son that I can relate too more easily, because he is most like me, but I make it a point to focus on my other son to try to understand him. I tell them….you are my favorite oldest son….you are my favorite youngest son or you are my favorite 13 yr old…you are my favorite 11 yr old. I try to point characteristics or personality traits that they have which I admire.
Being “real” today has changed meanings. I hear all the time, I just want to be real. In my younger days, the sting of not having “real” parents or a “real” family, was part of my everyday life. Nowadays, “real” has evolved into gossiping and backstabbing “friends”, because you just want to be “real”. It’s like permission to be a back biter.
If we removed the word “real” from dictionary, I wouldn’t miss it, except in a recipe… I would rather use real lemon versus concentrate.
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If I ever have children, I will try very hard not to have any favouritism… it’s so easy to fall into the trap of focusing on children’s negative points, as opposed to their positive ones. But you sound like you’re doing well and you’re trying really hard. ^_^
I think we could very well do without the word “real” too. It just has too many bad implications.
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I loved this post. (Oh… hi… I should probably introduce myself. I’m TM, an American momma who adopted from China.)
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Thankyou for your comment! ^_^ I really liked your blog, BTW!
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I definitely agree with your post on various levels. The term real, to me, has always been associated with depression. People – especially my own father – don’t seem to think that depression is “real” because they can’t see it, and thus it cannot “really be treated” because in their mind it is not valid. So I understand your point of view of your parents not being “real” on a different level, but somewhat similar. Really happy you made this post.
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Oh God. I hate it when people don’t view depression as a “real” illness. When I was feeling really bad last year, I just wanted to go jump off a cliff then come back as a ghost and say “NOW do you think depression is a ‘real’ illness??”. So I know what you mean…
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