Posted by 윤선 in adoption, family, identity, life, parenting | 3 Comments
“She’s Special Because She’s Adopted”. The Irony that Comes of Good Intentions from Adoptive Families.
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It’s extremely ironic that most of my life has been spent wanting to be accepted and wanting to just be “like everyone else” around me, when now, all I want is acknowledgment and acceptance of my “Korean-ness”.
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I recently signed up to Adoption Voices – a social networking site for people who have some connection with adoption. It’s kinda like Facebook for adoptive parents, adoptees and perhaps birth parents. However, I think it’s primarily for adoptive parents. I think I’m one of the few adoptees on there, so when I go on there, I’m inundated with the thoughts, opinions and questions of adoptive parents.
Recently, someone made a post on the forum, saying that her daughter doesn’t want to talk about and/or accept her cultural background. This brought back many memories for me, and I had a lot to say in response to this mother’s questions and queries. Having been on Adoption Voices for a couple of weeks now, and having read quite a few blogs and stories of adoptive parents, I understand that most adoptive parents only have the best intentions for their child/ren and families. They also have similar desires and wishes, many of which are similar to my parents and their adopting me. Many people seem to say “we want a family of our own”, “racial background doesn’t matter to us. We’d love any child”, “we’re willing to learn about our child’s background”, “we’re willing to PICK UP our child from their birth country” etc etc.
However, with good intentions comes an irony that many fail to see. What frustrates me the most about these opinions and “good intentions” is that they’re mainly focused on the parents and their wants and desires. There is often very little consideration as to how the child might feel, and then when things don’t go as expected, there’s all this wondering as to what’s going on.
As a child, I just wanted to be “normal”. I’ve been randomly watching various programs on Michael Jackson since his death the other week, and a lot of the content in these (stupid) TV programs are about his face and his obvious obsession with the way he looked on the outside (despite what some of his music and lyrics had to say). I hate to say it, but some of what they said – about how Michael was obsessed with wanting to be something other than what he was born as – rang true for me. There were periods in my life where I would have given anything to have had Michael Jackson’s “luck” – his access to people who could literally change the colour of his skin.
But what made me feel this way?
It’s so easy for people to say that clear racism is a primary factor for making someone feel ashamed for what and who they are – on the inside as well as the outside – that having people come up to us and pull back their eyes, pretending to be “Asian” is something that would so obviously make us feel awful. And I don’t doubt this. I hated the times in my life when people would do that, and I still do. It hurts a lot, and you walk away feeling much less of a person than you had five minutes previously. I’ll never forget the notes I received as a teenager, saying things like “get back on your ship” and such. These hurt, and I still cringe when I think about it.
But I think what’s easy about these instances is that we can walk away saying “they’re just horrible people” or “they just don’t understand anything”. It’s easy to hate someone when, ultimately, they mean nothing to you.
But what is one to do (especially a child) when feelings of alienation come from those we love? And furthermore, how is a young child supposed to deal with these feelings when they come in the form of adult good intentions?
When I think about this, the first thing that comes to mind is something my Grandfather said to me when I wasn’t even that young. I might have been about… 19. But I was at my Grandparents’ place one day, and Pa had a friend over whom I hadn’t met before. He introduced me, then proceeded to tell his friend about how I’m “special” because “I’m adopted” and “wasn’t even born in Australia”. In all honesty, I cringed, probably went red in the face, then felt my anger swell inside me like some deep seeded demon that lives in my gut. I just had to smile and nod and then proceed to tell my (usual) shpeel about how I was born in Seoul, no I don’t speak fluent Korean, but yes I’m interested in it, and no, I have no intention of meeting my birth mother (not that it’s any of your business, thankyou very much). All the while, the feeling of wringing the person’s neck rising even further.
When you just want to blend in with those around you, these are honestly the last things you want to hear. Yes, the word “special” is often said in a good way, however you may as well say: “Alexis is a freak. She wasn’t born in Australia. She’s not really a part of our family and we all know it. We try to include her, but really, she’ll never be like us”.
These days, I see many adoptive parents and their good intentions. I see them trying to blend their child’s birth culture into their own home lives; I see them making efforts to learn and understand their child’s mother tongue; I see them documenting their processes by which they have gone through to adopt their child/ren; and I have honestly lost count of the amount of times I’ve seen/heard people say that they “just want a family of their own”. And you know what? That’s great. As an adoptee, I’m glad that there are so many people out there who mean well for their children, but ultimately, I really think there needs to be a bit more consideration as to how WE ADOPTEES feel. I constantly feel as though adoption is solely about the adoptive parents, when there is so much more to it than that.
I think that regardless of how much or how little adoptive parents attempt to talk to their children and try to make them understand their own points of view, they fail to see our point of view. They fail to remember and/or understand that everytime we look in the mirror, we’re reminded that we are something they’re not; we see other children resembling their parents, when we don’t; we get asked stupid things like “so you don’t know your real family?” and the list just goes on. These things are very hard to deal with and come to terms with as a young child, and the last thing we want is for our own families to say that we’re “special”, that we stand out for something we had no effect on. As young adoptees, though, who have not yet developed the capability to write a 500 word essay yet, let alone develop a voice to explain how we feel, I just want to say that: we don’t want to be special. We don’t want to be told about your process of adopting us time after time. We don’t want to be looked at as different. What does an adopted child want, then, you may ask? We just want to be like you. We want to know we’re loved, that we’re your first priority. We just want to be able to come shopping for bread and milk with you, without being afraid of stupid questions and stupid good intentions. We just want to be like you. Let us develop interests in our birth cultures in our own time. Don’t ignore it, but don’t force it down our throats, either. Think about things from our point of view for a change. It really won’t take that much out of your life or your good intentions.
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I need to go wash up now. My kitchen looks like the target of a North Korean bomb. XD
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Although I am not an adoptee or have adopted, I understand your point that adopted children want to be like their families – not considered something “different”. In terms of intentions, I think it’s more of a matter of the *execution* of those good intentions versus having the good intentions themselves.
For example, my mother’s cousin adopted over two dozen children who were all born HIV+ or had AIDS. He raised them to be caring and loving children and teens, but they eventually would die one by one because of the disease they had. He still was determined to give the kids he had quality lives while they were on the planet, though. Those were his “good intention”, and he provided it.
I guess my point is that not all adoptive families execute their intentions badly, as in the case with my mother’s cousin. So there are some people out there that take the child’s needs into play…and it’s unfortunate if people don’t.
As someone who strongly intends on adopting a child from a foreign nation (in the future), what advice would you give to prospective parents BEFORE they adopt on what the child needs? I’d love to get some advice from someone who knows best!!!
Oh yes. I’m not saying people’s INTENTIONS themselves are bad. It’s definitely about the execution. EG: I’m sure my Grandfather meant well when he said what he did, however it only came across as hurtful more than anything. Luckily, I was old enough at the time to know that, but it still didn’t stop the initial feelings of alienation. But what’s hard is when these things happen to CHILDREN. I had people say things like this when I was very young and NOT old enough to know better. And this is when it’s REALLY the responsibility of the adult to watch what they say to the adopted child.
Advice? All I can really say is to do a lot of research and thinking before you even decide TO adopt. I think it’s something that many people say “I can’t have biological children? I’ll JUST adopt” to, and I think this is very wrong. With today’s accessibility to information and people around the world, I’d also suggest joining forums. NOT forums mainly for adoptive parents, but forums where there are a lot of ADOPTEES. This way you can get our POV’s, which I think is more important, in a way, than hearing other adoptive parents’ POV’s. And you can also read blogs and talk to people like me.
That is such a great post for people in adoptive families to read. I attended a panel discussion of adult Korean adoptees a couple of years ago. (I knew the moderator from, where else,? Korean class.) She asked the panelists what word they hated the most that was used by APs and other relatives and they all agreed: SPECIAL. Everybody hated it. And it makes perfect sense. Heck, I wasn’t adopted, and I hated the way I stood out in school with my freckly face and wearing glasses from the age of 7. I can only imagine how “conspicuous” TRAs must feel. As the AP of a TRA (5 year old boy) from Korea, I really try to incorporate Korean language and culture into our home life as a family activity, as opposed to “go learn the language of YOUR ancestors.” I just try to keep it fun, low-key, and NORMAL. And really, I can’t believe the questions some people think it’s perfectly fine to ask adoptees. I’m starting to think a well-rehearsed “Wow, I can’t believe you asked that!” done with genuine shock and surprise may be the best defense, at least for my family. As an AP, I owe information and explanations to my child and nobody else.