There’s No Place Like “Home”…

Before I start this post, I’m currently adding and deleting a few small things to this blog. If you have a blog (that has something to do with Korea and/or adoption) and you would like to be linked here, please leave me a comment and I’ll link you in my sidebar.^^

I think one of the funniest things about being adopted is the fact that I feel as though I have this connection to a place I don’t remember at all. Although I spent the first six or so months of my life there, got spoken to in Korean and was born of someone I may never meet again, it’s familiar yet unfamiliar to me. And that’s a strange feeling.

I got quite excited earlier today, because Robert and I were talking about our finances (since I have a full time job now), and ultimately, it appears that we’ll be able to go to Korea much sooner than I first expected (depending, of course, on the amount/s of leave the both of us have, and stuff like that…). And that’s very exciting to me. Going to Korea has never been a huge reality to me, since I’ve simply never had the means to go. But now it’s becoming very real and it’s something that I really feel as though I/we are working towards.

When I think about going to Korea next year, part of me feels as though I’m going “home”. Today my Mum and I were talking about the places in the world we’d like to visit. And in thinking about the different places I’d like to go to (namely, they are: Korea, China, maybe Japan, Iceland, and various parts of Europe), I can’t help but feel very differently toward Korea. When I think about going to Korea, I feel a sort of warmth – a connection that I don’t think I could really have with any other part of the world.

Adoptees’ birth countries are often called the “homeland”, and I’m starting to see why – I really feel as though going back to Korea would, in many ways, be going “home”. But what, really, is “home”? I think there are a few different types of “home”. I definitely feel as though I have a few “homes”…

When I say “I’m going to go home”, it normally means I’m going home to my house – to my husband and all our worldly possessions. It normally means going back to our little townhouse in Sydney, having dinner after work, and relaxing. OR it can sometimes mean that I’m going to go “home” to my parents’ house. It’s “home” because it’s where I grew up, and my parents are (obviously) the people I grew up with. To me, “home” also means being around particular people I love. Normally my husband and my parents. These people give me a sense of “home”, even if I’m not in the two main buildings that shelter me from the outdoor environment – they’re the people who know me best, who I feel comfortable around, and they’re the people I feel I can just… relax around. To me, they’re “home”. Because of this, it would make sense for me to call Australia “Home”.

But I can’t help feeling like I have another “home”, even though I can’t remember it. Even though its culture and its people are totally different to Australia and its ways, I feel like I really do have another “home” out there – the one that I was born in. But why would I consider it to be “home” when I don’t remember it, or when it’s not familiar to me?

I guess, that, when I think about what’s “familiar” to me, Korea is familiar to me, despite the fact that I don’t live its culture everyday – it’s what I see whenever I look in the mirror to brush my teeth, do my hair, put makeup on. And that’s simply it. It’s home because I am Korean. It’s what and who I am, and going back to Korea is going “home” because it’s going back to, well… me. When I think about it, Australia is home because it’s simply what I was brought up in. It’s what I’m familiar with, because it’s what I’ve seen for the past 25 years. However Korea is homely because it’s inherently me. Australia doesn’t really hold that sense of “inner homeliness” for me. It’s home simply because it’s what I’m familiar with and it’s where my loved ones are.

Korean adoptees are often compared to people who are half Korean. I think adoptees and half Korean people experience a few similar things, in that, we don’t really 100% fit into the one world. We are part one thing and part something else (which can be incredibly confusing and mentally tiring!). And this is something I wonder about if Robert and I were to have our own family one day. What/where would they consider to be “home”?

My aunt and uncle are often going to Malaysia (my aunt is Australian (she’s my Mum’s sister), and my uncle is Malaysian), so obviously, my cousins are half Asian. And at this stage in my life, if we were to have the means, I think that’s something I’d want to do if Robert and I were to have our own family – go to Korea somewhat regularly, to give our family a sense of the two worlds they biologically come from. I think having grown up not knowing Korea, its culture, language and people has been something I’ve struggled with quite a lot. The feeling of not knowing is something that makes me incredibly uncomfortable and tends to drive me a bit mad sometimes. And knowing I have another “home” out there only makes that sense of not knowing even worse. (Now that I have a job, however, I am quite excited at the prospect of having this side of me to really explore.) I guess what I’m saying is that if I were to have a family, I’d want to give them that sense of “home” in both of the worlds they’re going to be a part of. I’d want them to grow up knowing about Korea, its culture and its ways. I’d want it to be familiar to them, so it’s not just something they see when they look in the mirror. When other children ask them where they come from, I want them to be able to proudly talk about their heritage/s, instead of slinking away and feeling afraid and ashamed.

Ultimately, I am now very excited at the thought of going “home” and of seeing, for myself, the place I see in myself everyday. I’m nervous… I think it’ll be an emotional experience and one that I’ll be quite afraid of, but at the same time, I hope to get off that plane and realise that I’m “back”. I’m not just there for the first time… going to Korea will be a return… one that’s been waiting 25 years… and thinking about that is quite exhilarating. I can, really, only look forward to the real possibility of exploring myself, my heritage and my “home”.

Related posts:

1. If I was Different, Would You have Kept Me?
2. Korean Media
3. Advance Australia Fair… What Does it Mean to be Aussie?
4. My Brief Experience with my University’s Korean Society
5. Some Adoptee Questions Answered! =D