Posted by 윤선 in adoption, cultural differences, family, identity, life, parenting | 19 Comments
Am I A “Different Kind of Love”?
Throughout my life I haven’t really doubted or questioned the love my mother and father have for me. They always told me that they loved me as equally as they love my sister (their biological child). Sure, as a teenager, I’d say and think some stupid things, but don’t all teenagers? When I was a child, though, my Mum would tell me that I was the same to her as Erika was/is. And I always believed her. My parents have done a lot for me throughout my life, and I’m a definite believer in the “actions speak louder than words” saying.
This article recently got posted on the Sydney Morning Herald website, and I’ve come away feeling somewhat offended. Offended and pissed off that a mere article would make me question my parents’ love for me. And regardless of whether or not these people’s feelings are true, how can they publicly say things like that about their adopted children??? We adoptees have enough issues in our lives surrounding our identities and positions in our families as it is. The last thing we need is to have our adoptive parents saying the things the parents say in that article. Furthermore, I want to say that if you feel such a difference for your adopted child/ren VS your biological child/ren, then perhaps you’re the wrong type of person/people to have adopted in the first place…
Perhaps I don’t wholly understand parenthood. Yet. However I believe that I understand an adoptee’s perspective well (obviously) and I am somewhat capable of articulating my thoughts and feelings in written form (hence this blog). So allow me to post my response to the said article. (I’m sorry if this post comes off totally convoluted. My writing ability has been somewhat affected by my emotions…)
One of the most difficult things we adoptees have in our lives is simply developing our sense of place. This includes our place/s within our adopted families. Funnily enough (/sarcasm), our adopted parents have, probably, the biggest impact and influence on how we feel about our adoptions and where we stand within a family unit. This shouldn’t really come as a surprise, however it may to some people who clearly haven’t fully thought our the ramifications of their actions.
The opening paragraph of the above article states:
“If something tragic happened to my adopted daughter, I’d be devastated but I wouldn’t die. If something happened to either of my two boys who I gave birth to, I feel I would die,” says Tina Pattie. “I don’t love my daughter any less but it’s a different kind of love. With my sons, my love is set in stone. It’s that ‘die for you love’ that would never change, no matter what. With Cheri, it’s a love that develops and grows. It’s more of a process than an absolute.”
In all honesty, this really hurt. Maybe I’m too sensitive. Maybe I take things to heart too much. But how can an adoptee read that and not feel anything less than offence and (more) wonderment? How are we supposed to react to that?
I think, for me, one of the worst things about this article is not simply feeling as though I’m unloved or “loved differently” but the thought that my parents have lied to me my whole life. The whole point of this article goes against everything my parents have told me and done for me. Of course, I’m not suggesting that my parents love me EXACTLY the same as they love my sister, but to say that we’re loved COMPLETELY differently only seems to make me feel (moreso) that I am leagues apart from my adopted family – always have been, always will be. Here are we adoptees – trying our darndest to fit in with our worlds, our families and our identities, and then here come these people saying how we’re loved differently by our adoptive families. As though it’s some solid, scientific fact and almost impossible to love an adopted child like a biological child. LIKE WE DON’T ALREADY FEEL ALIENATED ENOUGH BY OUR ADOPTED SOCIETIES!
I feel that my parents have made great efforts to include me as though I was their biological child. I also see other adoptive parents out there also trying their hardest to do the same. How can someone come along and publish something like this article?? It not only puts us adoptees down, but also the adoptive parents who spend their lives making the effort to do right by their adopted children.
By this response, however, I am also NOT arguing the importance of genetics and the role they play in building bonds between mother and child. I believe that there is definitely a bond. However, to say that you wouldn’t die for your adopted child, but you would for your biological child, well… that just makes me mad. To the person who said that: you should not have adopted in the first place. If you seriously feel as though your adopted child is that much different to your biological child, then adoption wasn’t the right thing for you. How do you think your child feels having you say that? Furthermore, how can you live with yourself everyday, knowing that you separate your children in that way? They continue to say that:
“It was a drip, drip, drip kind of process. Now, I love her a lot. I’m really proud of her and close to her but it has taken time,” she says.
I would respond by saying: all relationships take time. Just because you’re biologically related to your child (or some other member of your family) doesn’t mean you’re going to have a great relationship with them. Can you honestly say that because of genetics you have a fantastic relationship with everyone you’re biologically related to?? Is that seriously what determines a family relationship for you? If so, then I feel very sorry for you. Although I haven’t got anyone in my life to look to as a biological connection, I know many people who have had closer, more meaningful relationships with people they’re not biologically related to than those of whom they are. Also, there are lots of people whose biological babies take a while to latch on and make that connection with them.
First, she wasn’t a newborn baby, like my sons had been. There’s nothing quite like a newborn baby. Second, when you get a stranger in your house, you’re not going to love them straight away, you’re just not.
I’d actually be interested to see what my parents would have to say in response to the above quote. I really would. Same for other adoptive parents who love their adopted children. To me, this quote could be translated to: “really, an adopted child has never been, isn’t and will never be as good as a biological child. Adoption will always be second rate in comparison”. Enough said.
Ultimately, I do believe that genetics plays a big role when it comes to relationships. And I have struggled throughout my life to compensate for the loss of not having a biological family and culture to look to in order to develop my identity. I have had periods where I’ve hated Korea, yet I’ve had periods where I yearn for it. That will probably never change, and it’s something that comes with being a transracial adoptee. However, I also know that my (adoptive) parents love me and always have. And to say so confidently that they’ll basically never love me the way they love my sister is not only an insult to me, but to them and any other adoptive parents who have put in those efforts to love their adopted children in the same way/s they would a biological child. If you feel that your love for your adopted child is so different to that of your biological child, then I really believe that adoption was the wrong thing for you. And I feel for your child – I can only imagine how much harder it would have been for me to hear my parents say that the love they had for me was completely different and would never match what they have for my sister.
Related posts:
i think your response is a very good one… that article made me uncomfortable too and it IS horrific that some adoptive parents feel that way and speak that way, where their children may hear them… yes, we are alienated enough.
It really just made me angry. I wish there was a link on that article for people to comment.
Funny, my husband and I are constantly saying that we feel exactly the same about our adopted and biological children. Meeting them for the first time was like seeing our newborns for the first time. The only difference is that sometimes I look at them and feel sad and almost guilty that we get the joy of raising them while their birth parents are missing it all. Perhaps they had no choice but to give them up.
I really feel that, like there are many people in the world who simply shouldn’t have children, there are obviously many people in the world who shouldn’t adopt, either. I’m glad to hear that you see your children in the same light. ^_^
Firstly awesome blog! Found you from stumbleupon. Will drop by from time to time.
Anyway I did read the SMH article in question and I guess in the end, it’s just that woman’s opinion. Fantastic response from yourself though. Remember it’s just people and their thoughts.
Thankyou so much for dropping by!^^
Yes, well… people and their thoughts/opinions have big impacts in the world… they’re what make the world what it is…
I agree with your post 100%; that article was ridiculous and disturbing. Of course adoption is different, but to say you would die for your birth children but not your adopted one is hugely offensive. It also angered me that they kept referring to biological children as “their own.” My Ethiopian son is my “own” and I love him as much as my (deceased) biological daughter.
I enjoy reading your blog.
^_^
Thankyou for reading and commenting.
That article was indeed disturbing and very strange. I’m offended at how some of the people interviewed kept emphasizing how important a “DNA connection” is to family relationships. It’s put forward as some scientific fact when clearly it’s not. Two examples: My husband and I were both the “bio children” of the parents who raised us and neither of us felt we fit in with our families at all. I felt like the square peg being hammered into the round hole my entire childhood! My husband had pretty much the same experience. Neither one of us are close to anyone we’re genetically related to. As for our feelings for our son (adopted from Korea, our only child) we do love him “like we’d die for him.” And, (may God forbid it!) if something happened to him, I don’t know how either of us could keep on living…too horrible to imagine.
I’m really wondering if the people who don’t feel an intense love for their adopted children really wanted to adopt or just “settled for” adoption; there’s a huge difference. The second group should NEVER adopt because no child deserves to be “settled for.” And the woman who wanted a baby and instead adopted a 4 year old girl, well, she sounds like the “settled for” category.
It can take a couple of weeks for parents to adjust to/get to know their children but that also happens to many bio parents too. It’s almost a “dirty little secret” that many bio moms don’t feel an immediate connection to their newborns. Nobody wants to talk about it because it’s considered shameful. But I have had parents tell me that they fell in love faster with their adopted children than their bio children.
As for Alice Walker’s estranged daughter: she issued that statement about step/adopted children several years ago and people justifiably objected (because she pretends to be speaking about a universal experience and clearly she’s not). At the time of her original statement she did back down a bit and say something to the effect that it was her experience and she wasn’t trying to speak for everybody. And now she’s back at it! (Of course controversial books tend to make money so I don’t discount a financial motive for her to “speak for everybody” once again.)
I totally agree. Although I don’t deny that there is an importance to being with your biological roots (heck, I think me and many of my issues are proof of that!), I don’t think relationships are, or should be, purely based on genetics. I, too, know many people who have better relationships with people they’re not biologically related to than those of whom they are. My husband, also, has a much better relationship (I think) with my family than he does with anyone in his own family. Hell, half the time he jokes that HE’S adopted because he’s so different to them and has a very limited relationship with them!
Yes, I believe there are many people who only “settled” for adoption. Sometimes I feel that my parents were a little bit like that, and as an adoptee, I think that’s one of the hardest things to deal with – knowing that adoption was the second choice for my parents over biologically having children. That’s been hard for me, but had they been like the people in that article, well, I think things would have been even more difficult for me!
And yes. There are biological parents out there who take a while to bond to their biological children. I totally agree with everything you said about that. It’s so easy for people to talk about how hard it is to really love their adopted children, yet it’s the other way for their biological children. Isn’t that just proof enough that ultimately, we’ll always be second rate to people like that?
I couldn’t agree more with your post. This article upset me to the core – Their daughter deserves so much more!
I can’t speak to a different love between adoptive and biological children as I only have 1 child and I adopted her – by choice.
I can tell you that I sometimes will say something about my daughter implying that she has one of my hereditary traits and people just giggle at me. I can also share that my sister who also has 1 daughter, but by birth said that she really didn’t understand the concept of flying around the world to become a mom and thought it was going to be weird when they handed me a little girl…she knew she would like her, but had no idea how much we would instantly love her – she also said being in the room when I received Amelia was much more emotional than giving birth to her own daughter, who was with us that day.
I can tell you that of my mom’s 13 grandchildren Amelia is loved NO LESS She is just a part of our family – she brings so much joy and laughter.
My love for her is so strong, I can not imagine living without her in my life…that is how parents should feel about ALL of their children.
I am a 34 year old mother of 3. My 14 year old and my 11 year old were born from my womb and my 3 year old was born from my heart. I will admit that I didn’t feel all the feelings that I thought I should or would feel right away when we met him and then brought him home from China. However, I never felt all warm and fuzzy and lovey-dovey about either of my biological children either…not right away. With all of my children, the love, not the choice to love, but the feeling of just being totally in love with your child- it took time.
When my second child was born, I remember worrying that I couldn’t possibly love her as much as I loved my son. And I didn’t. At first.
It took time for me to get to know her.
Some people will think this horrible. I chose to love each of my children before I knew them but the feelings came later.
I think it is wretched for a mother to share with other people that she wouldn’t die if something horrible happened to her adopted child but she would if something happened to one of her biological children. That really sucks. Sorry for language.
Adoption as you know is complicated with so many emotions. The child loses so much and gains a new family and a new life, but most of the time it wasn’t a life the child was asking for.
When I look at my son I am totally floored at how well he has adjusted and how much he has overcome. He is joyful and happy and I spend more time mourning his loss than he does at this point.
I love him dearly and can’t imagine life without him and yet I wonder what if some way some how, he could have stayed with his birth parents. I wish I could tell them how smart he is, how he giggles hysterically when his big sister tells him stories and how he loves to jump off things and pretend to be a superhero.
I don’t love him in a different category than my other kids, but with him, there is also a sense of appreciation and wonder that I get the privilege of being his mommy, to teach him about China, about his culture in a way that will make him proud to be Chinese. I get to watch him grow and thrive and I get to be the recipient of his hugs and kisses and hear his dreams and his fears. His mom chose LIFE for him and that reality will never be far from my mind. I am forever tied to a Chinese woman I will never know, not in this lifetime. And I am forever grateful.
Let me begin by saying that I love reading your blog. I agree wholeheartedly with your assessment of this article. Here is mine (profanity filtered), what a load of crap! Whoever wrote what they did should not have been given the privelige to parent a child bio or other. I am the biological mother of two and adoptive mother of one. My bond with my adopted son began when I saw his picture and I would have gladly died for him then. I love all of my children this fiercely and always have. There is not now nor has there ever been any difference in the way, the quantity or the quality of the way I love my children. I feel priveliged to be given the chance to have my adopted son in our family. I feel a huge responsibility to always be a good parent to him so as not to disappoint his birthmother. That is the only thing different about my feelings for my children. That has a lot to do with why I read your blog and that of other adult adoptees. I honestly can’t believe someone would be stupid enough to put something out there like that. How will her adopted child feel to read it one day? What if her birthmother or other birthmothers read it now? AAAAGGGGHHHHHH. I’m mad too.
I don’t necessarily agree with the quote you listed but I’d like to point something else out:
“all relationships take time”
But not all relationships have that primal bond. A mother bonds to her child while it is still developing within her womb. Take adoption out of the equation and you will find many developmental psychologists state this because it is true. It’s like what Joy said: “Read up on development books. Read about pregnancy and the first stages of life. Don’t even bring adoption into the equation and you will see that the bond between mother and child is strongly emphasized even before birth.”
That’s not to say an adoptive parent can’t love their child to the ends of the world. But I believe there is no harm in saying “I am loved by my parents but I am not ‘of them.’ I am loved completely and utterly by them for who I AM and we ARE undeniably a great family, but that still does not change the fact that I am ‘of them.’”
I never said anything against what you’ve said in your comment. I never argued against the fact that the 9 months you spend in your birth mother’s womb is bonding. However, to adopt a child, then to say that you wouldn’t die for them but you’d die for your biological children is just wrong.
RE: your second paragraph: I don’t disagree, either. *Shrugs*. I never said anything against that.
“However, to adopt a child, then to say that you wouldn’t die for them but you’d die for your biological children is just wrong.”
Hmmm.. yeah, I see.
Can you honestly tell me, then, that if this was said to you as a child, you wouldn’t have been affected by it? If so, then I take my hat off to you: you’re lucky you grew up so confident and well adjusted.
Wow. I can’t believe that article. I certainly hope that first woman didn’t use her real name–I can’t imagine how damaging that would be to her daughter! I think your reaction is completely justified.
As for initially being uncomfortable using terms like “my daughter” “mother” etc, that’s normal! I remember when my first son (bio) was born; I sat in that hospital room and said “my son” “I’m his mother” over and over again, just tripping out, because those terms couldn’t possibly apply to me.
I agree with your comments. Sounds like she “settled.” And I pity her daughter.
Hello, it’s me again. Once again, thank you for sharing your feelings. I am utterly appalled by this article, and the person who wrote it. They should not have been allowed to adopt. Yes, I understand relationships take time, blah blah, BUT, to openly admit to having different feelings towards your children?? NO WAY. I am in total agreement with you.
We did not go into adoption as a second choice. You are right to say there are those who do that. I do not agree with it, nor do I think adoption agencies and social workers should allow these people to adopt. Adoption for us was our first choice. Why bring another child into the world when there is a child in the world needing a home? (and NO, I do NOT see myself as a hero or savior for this…just to make that clear.) But, I do know a lot of people who share my ideals in the adoption community. I HOPE that adoptees do not read this article and think all parents feel this way.
We have had our daughter since she was six months old. She is now 21 months. I suppose, in relationship terms, this isn’t a long time? However, straight from the beginning, I WOULD die for this child. I protect and love this child because she is my daughter. She IS my life, and I cannot imagine a stronger love, so I cannot fathom how someone can say they do love their bio kids ‘differently.’
So, my point here is, I hope you can throw out any ill feelings you may have taken away from this woman’s article. Not all adoptive parents feel like this whatsoever. It angers me that it was published at all. I can only imagine the pain you felt in reading this. It hurts MY heart, and offends me, too. *hugs*