I’ve always sort of thought I was a funny-looking baby/child. I had a head like a basketball and not much of a neck. 
On the weekend, I watched Adopted the Movie with my parents and sister. In one part, the featured adoptee says to her mother that she feels sorry for herself as a child, because she wanted to be someone completely different to who she was. Although I’m coming to accept my outside appearance for what it is (single eyelid and all!), I can definitely identify with what the adoptee in the movie said. And it made me wonder: if I could go back in time, what would I say to myself as a child? Sometimes I wish I could do this. I think it would change certain things about my development as an individual, and it would probably have helped me be much more confident in my own skin.
Anyway, on my way home today, I was thinking about the above question. So here’s my (current) response. (It may be different in a few years time!)
Dear young Alexis/윤선,
Life is a real challenge being Asian, isn’t it? I know you hate to hear that word. In fact, I know you hate to hear the words “Asian”, “Asia”, “Korea”, “Korean”, “adoption/adopted”… they’re hard to hear, aren’t they? You know why that is? I think it’s because you know it’s something that relates to you, but you don’t want to accept it. Because that would mean admitting the fact that you’re different: different to everyone and everything around you. But you know, if you can hang in there… things aren’t so bad.
There are great things to being Korean. Although you don’t know it now, Korea is actually an amazing country to come from, you just need to explore it for yourself and understand that although you really really love your family, you’re an individual – one that IS allowed to find out who she is. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your family, and it doesn’t mean you’re committing some sort of betrayal. Although you don’t believe it now, you’ll come to really love Korea. You’ll learn to overcome a lot of the shame you feel, because there is a whole country out there from which you come. You’re not the only Korean in the world, nor are you the only Korean adoptee! Believe it or not, there are other people out there who feel similar things to what you do.
You know what else? Being Korean and being adopted doesn’t make you unlovable. Just be yourself. Yes, that is a cliched thing to say. But this is the older version of you speaking, and you know I wouldn’t be saying this if I didn’t mean it. You’ll marry an amazing guy. Not when you’re 100 years old, either. He’s someone who loves you for you, and accepts you for who you are. You don’t need to be blonde, blue-eyed, pale and tall to have him love you. Being adopted isn’t something to be ASHAMED of. You have plenty of other emotions towards adoption… you don’t need the shame on top of it all.
Yes, there are racist, narrow minded people in the world. Yes, there will be people who say stupid things to you: things that make you cringe and feel embarrassed. But you know what? Most of the time, these are people you don’t care for, anyway. They’re people who aren’t like you: people who aren’t even worth your time and/or effort.
Take my/your own advice: don’t waste time on things/people that just aren’t worth it. Follow your own heart and instincts – follow what you know/believe to be right and wrong. And just do whatever it takes to be OK with yourself, because you already know that a life lived in shame isn’t a good life, nor is it worth living…
Furthermore, don’t feel like you have to compare yourself to others, because you’ll never match up. You’ll never be 6ft tall (in fact, you’ll get to a point where you don’t WANT to be tall), nor will you have blonde and curly hair, you won’t naturally have a double eyelid and you won’t look like all the people around you. Just know that you’re unique. And in some ways, that’s something to be proud of. Aim to GO to Korea, because it’s something you’ll yearn for.
I’ll get back to you a bit later. I may have more things/advice to give you as I learn more about life and what it means to live in this skin…
Your older self.
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Again, I’m completely shocked to read about your feelings towards adoption. I was so proud of being adopted from Korea when I was little, and I thought it was great that I was different. It’s interesting how there can be so many different opinions and experiences related to the same cultural phenomenon.
Also, did you like the “Adopted” movie? I wondering if I could rent it somewhere, but it seems like I might have to buy it.
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Mica: You’re the only adoptee I’ve ever known to be proud of being adopted. I think that’s sort of interesting, but also… unusual. Have you ever wanted to find out more about your heritage? Or have you always been perfectly content living between your adopted culture and your birth culture?
I thought “Adopted the Movie” was really good. I actually ended up buying it as a download. I don’t think you can hire it anywhere. Although it’s aimed toward adoptive parents, I felt I could relate to a lot of what got said, and it was good to know I wasn’t the only person out there who felt certain things. I think, though, you may have a different take on it, since your whole attitude and such are completely different to mine.
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Yeah, I’m starting to realize that I must be in some kind of emotional minority among adoptees. How odd.
I’ve never been adverse to the idea of learning more about my Korean heritage, but to be quite honest, I get really annoyed with certain aspects of Korean culture that I see around campus. (We have tons of Koreans here.) For example, I tutored a Korean native in English, and he was always telling me about how he wanted to find a wife so he wouldn’t have to cook anymore. He also thinks it’s strange that in the US, girls run competitively, not just to be skinny. Now, I don’t want to fall into the trap of cultural relativism, but I can’t say that I am sad I didn’t grow up in a more patriarchal culture. I was also quite disheartened to learn that the two most popular plastic surgeries in Korea are creating a double lid and reducing calf size because I like my mono-lid AND my big-ass calves.
In general, I think I have the best of both situations—I’m not awkward in American culture, but I have the perks of being unique.
All this being said, my parents never tried to assimilate me and “stamp out” my Korean-ness. Rather, they have always encouraged any desires I’ve had to learn about my heritage. Perhaps that makes a big difference. Being Korean isn’t something taboo in my family, but I understand that it is for a lot of adoptees.
I have also never been against the idea of looking for my biological parents; it just seemed like too much work. Last year, I found the blog of a guy who had found his entire family, and he encouraged me to do it so I wouldn’t regret it later. It’s not really that emotional of a process (yet), though I imagine it will be if I am able to locate my birth mom.
Thanks for your opinion on “Adopted”. Maybe I’ll download it!
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Mica: I do know what you mean about being annoyed with certain aspects of Korean culture. A couple of years ago, my husband and I lived in what could be considered a small “Korea town” of Sydney. About 80% of the suburb’s population was/is Korean. At first, I thought I’d really like it, but as time went on, I became very very frustrated with certain things, such as: old men asking me how old I was, random people (strangers) constantly asking me what nationality I was, refusal to speak English, and sour looks when they saw me with Robert (who is VERY caucasian). These things made me really really angry, and I “went off” anything Korean for a while. I guess what changed me (aside from moving!) was “realising” that no matter what, I’ll always be Korean. I may as well embrace it and look for the good things about it. EG: I LOVE the language, I love that Korea is so ancient, I love the food (I couldn’t live without rice and kimchi!), hanbok (I can’t wait to try one on!) and stuff like that. Yes, there are many negative and sad things about Korea, but isn’t there for all cultures/countries?
Occasionally, I have considered that I have the “best” of both worlds. But at the same time, I can’t ignore the yearning I have to find “myself” and learn more about Korea. No matter how much I ignore Korea, I still feel like I can’t quite relate to Australia. It’s sort of a numb feeling, or like an itch you can’t reach. I certainly don’t hate Australia, but I still always feel very out of place here, which is something I don’t really like.
That being said, though, neither have my parents ever tried to discourage me from learning more about Korea and such. Just because of the feelings I have toward Korea and my adoption, it doesn’t mean my parents did a bad job, or discouraged me in any way. Quite the contrary, really.
Thanks for sharing your very different opinion/experiences, though. I’ve appreciated it.^^
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I didn’t feel proud to be a Korean adoptee until this last year when I learned of Korean adoptees in Korea who are working towards social and political reform in Korea.
There is something about knowing that Korean adoptees are acting on behalf of unwed mothers and adoptees, which gives me hope for the future children of Korea…..changes to not repeat the same mistakes.
Your honesty, no matter your position, is part of that movement. Too many times, it is assumed that it’s only “angry” adoptee who question their adoption and have conflicting feeling about adoption. Growing up, knowing your culture and family roots, it’s something most people take for granted, but as adoptees we are faced with the reality …that we may NEVER know. Adoptees dont have to be abused to feel pain about their adoption. There was a missing piece and some of us handle it differently than others.
If I could give advice to myself as a child, I would say…
“You are not alone. There are others with similar thoughts and struggles. You will not allow anything to defeat you. One day you will understand your strength, resilience and inner-beauty and know that you are ok”. -
Good for you in feeling that pride. I don’t think I’ll ever be PROUD of being adopted. I mean, I don’t think my parents did anything wrong, and I’m somewhat proud of my Korean heritage, but I don’t think I’m proud to be adopted. I sort of feel like there’s nothing to be proud of – I was an unwanted, burden of a pregnancy – a child that wasn’t “meant” to be conceived, and one that wasn’t exactly celebrated when I was conceived. What’s there to be proud of??
I do hope that the current generation of adoptees, as well as any future adoptees do manage to somehow benefit from our generation speaking out about certain things and being honest…
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Mica,
I think your post from your older self to your younger self was amazingly creative and astoundingly mature. I hope my Chinese adopted daughter grows up to have the self awareness and self acceptance that you have. Thank you for this.
Leigh -
…was this comment to me (the blog author) or to Mica (commenter above)?
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