Emotions and Feelings. Some Thoughts…

These past few weeks have not been the greatest weeks for me, workwise. Monday found me in my boss’s office, along with one of the lower bosses and my immediate supervisor. In a very me-like fashion, I ended up in tears, saying that I didn’t want to lose my job, I’ll try harder and I really do like everyone that I work with. To cut a long story short, this awkward meeting was the result of a drama I probably partially caused. Due to my emotion-driven self and the fact that I really haven’t got a lot of logic to begin with, I read into certain things too much, and caused more drama that was really necessary.

But what has this got to do with adoption and my personal life?

In starting this job, almost six months ago, I thought that I knew myself relatively well. Sure, I have hang-ups over certain things (who doesn’t?), and I’m sorting out all this stuff regarding my adoption. However, five and a half months down the track, I’m learning new things about myself, simply from having to work with the same people everyday – day in, day out, and I’m not as “normal” as I thought I may have been. (LOL.) I didn’t realise quite how emotional I can get, and quite how much drama my emotions can cause between myself and others. (Just for the record: things are OK now, and I’m back to enjoying being around my coworkers.)

In “exploring” the adoption triad more this year, I have come to realise just how much adoption is so immersed in such a myriad of emotions, feelings, experiences and inner battles. Although this may seem obvious, it’s hard not to think: ‘life would be so much easier if I didn’t feel anything’. If it weren’t for feelings and emotions, I probably wouldn’t even be considering searching for my birth mother; I wouldn’t be learning Korean; and being adopted wouldn’t affect me the way it does/has. I often describe particular people in my life as “robots”: people who seem to go through life so mechanically – they don’t care about anyone but themselves, and so live a seemingly content life (however selfish it may be). But adoption doesn’t really allow for that. There are multiple sides to the adoption triad, and it’s hard NOT to consider the other people’s feelings, because we’re all in this together. I feel like adoption ties me to not only my adoptive family but my birth family, too. It’s like a vacuum that sucks anyone involved in, regardless of whether you want to be or not. My husband is now tied up in my “baggage”: being married to me has meant he’s had to deal with all the things I’m trying to sort out.

Through blogging, I have seen not only the (sometimes seemingly selfish) views and opinions of adoptive parents/families, the insecurities of fellow adoptees and the pain that biological mothers have experienced. These feelings, despite how difficult to struggle through, have helped me experience and think about adoption in various ways. So I guess that, in some ways, I’m thankful to our feelings – they open up new insights and help us understand others and ourselves more, but at the same time, they can make life excruciating… to the point of wanting to just slink into a hole and die.

What has been the point of this post? I’m not entirely sure. But then again… there are many things I’m unsure of… and surely that’s demonstrated time and time again through this blog! Meanwhile… I should get back to work!

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