More Answers to Adoptee Questions. ^_^

Again, thanks everyone for contributing to my little question-answering… thing! Again, if you have questions, please ask here!! Anyway, here are some more answers! Again, if you don’t see your question here, it’ll be answered in subsequent posts! I’m just going through them all in the order they were sent to me.

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Mei Ling asked: I was wondering if you did a Korean language exchange and how that may or may not have helped your overall skills in the learning process…

I haven’t done an exchange, per se. I believe I did have the opportunities to do so as I was growing up, but like I’ve said in this blog – I was so desperate to just be like everyone around me, that it wasn’t something I wanted to do. Having said that, though, I have had Korean Sunday school classes recently (with other kids!) – something else I could have done as a child – and I think that has helped to a degree. I think being immersed in Korean culture with other Korean people (yes, being with KOREAN people helps. Not just being with other people who are learning Korean. They’re very different.) has also helped a lot, too. It’s made me feel much more connected to a group of people I naturally belong to, and it’s made me see the language in its natural “habitat”, I guess you could say. I think that learning Korean and learning about the culture in an academic way is completely different to just living it day to day. As an adoptee, I feel the living option is much more important than just learning from a text book. You learn a lot more than just a bunch of symbols on paper.

Sara_2 asked: I have been telling my 5 yo (adopted from China) that, not only does she have parents in China who look like her, but that there is an entire lineage in China, grandparents and great-grandparents and maybe brothers and sisters, that she is connected to all these people even though right now we don’t know who they are. This is something I came up with because of reading a number of adoptees who feel that they were just dropped on the earth somehow….. I am hoping it will help preempt that feeling a little bit. Wondering if you and your readers think this is a reasonable approach.

Also – do you have any thoughts on when and how to try to explain racism in any form, and then again, racism and objectifying sexually specifically directed at Asian women.

Umm… yeah, I don’t see anything wrong with telling your daughter about her lineage in China. Although I’d suggest being aware of how you’re wording things. Maybe I was just an overly sensitive child (which is very true), but the way you say things is very important. The best way I can explain this, is: have you, as a woman, ever been told something by a man in a seemingly insensitive, awful way? Not to blame him, but sometimes (and I do believe this is a man thing, not just a Robert thing!) my husband has the tendency to say/ask things to me in a way that sounds like an insult, despite the words he’s spouting. More often than not, I get offended because of the way he’s said something. EG: a sincere apology means a lot more than one simply stated as a short, abrupt: “sorry”. It’s the same when talking about adoption to an adoptee.

So I think it’s great that you’re talking about and acknowledging (acknowledgment is very important) that she has lineage in China. But just be aware of how you’re saying things. Sometimes, when Robert says things that, to me, sound awful, I just want to say: “go say that same thing, just as you did, to yourself in a mirror, then see what you think”. I think this is advice we could all use once in a while.

Following the email you sent me before commenting here, I’m really sorry that you came to Oz and had the experience you did. It’s funny in a way – the area of Sydney you were in was… what’s known as a bit of a dodgy area. Personally, it’s an area I avoid like the plague. Yes, it’s a poorer area, but generally speaking, people there can be a bit more narrow minded, racist and prejudiced. Not all of Sydney’s like that, I can assure you!

Having said that, I was very lucky that for the majority of my childhood, my family lived in a very wealthy, affluent and diverse area. Later, when I was about 16, we moved closer to the area you were talking about, and that’s when I really began to experience racism and the whole Asian sexual objectification that some (sick) people seem to have. I think it made my parents really sad when this happened, and in my naivete, I didn’t really get what was going on. My parents sort of got away with not needing to worry about it early on! But if you’re feeling the need to discuss this matter with a 5 year old, just take things slow. It was hard for me to understand as a 16 year old, let alone a 5 year old!

Also, if you have random people saying sexual-type things around your daughter, like any parent, adoptive or not, I’d simply MOVE. At this stage, I’m sure your daughter’s probably only just getting her head around being from China, let alone the sickness of adult assumptions and fetishes. I wouldn’t be mentioning that now!

But if you’re trying to talk about racism to a 5 year old, I’d be very general and just say something like: “some people in the world don’t understand about other places in the world. You don’t have to get on with these people”, or something. I’m not a parent, but in this case, at her age, I’d let her lead. Don’t force things down her throat. Just let her know that you love her, and she’s welcome to ask you anything she likes. ALSO: make sure she knows you won’t be offended by asking/talking to her. A lot of the time, I held back talking to my parents about my adoption because I didn’t want to hurt them. This is wrong. It should be your job to talk to her about anything she wants, regardless of whether or not you’re hurt by it. Of course, you’re going to have emotions, but you don’t want her to be afraid of talking to you or hurting your feelings!

Tonggu Momma asked: I realize there is no magic formula for all of this, but in your personal experience, what five things did your parents do/ encourage/ assist you with that helped you the most in your life-long adoption journey? And what five things did they fail to do that you most wish they had done?

This is getting really long. LOL. So please click “continue reading” below for more questions and answers. ^_^

Hmm… I believe five things my parents did well were:

1. They have always supported me, regardless of how I’ve felt. Despite my feelings of angst, shame and fear, they’ve still stuck by me in my adoption journey (they even read this blog!). When I’ve been emo and angsty, they were there in the end; when I wanted to talk, they were there; when I failed things at school, they were there for me (to bail me out. LOL). I guess no matter what, they’ve just… always been my parents and did all they can to make me a part of their family. When I told them recently that I wanted to find my birth mother, I was the one that cried! I think ultimately, I’m the one who’s always putting the most pressure on me to be certain things. They’ve never pressured me to do things. My screw ups have mostly been my life experimenting, not them forcing me to do things I don’t want to.

2. They’ve talked to me. This may seem like a small, obvious thing, but jeez… it’s not. LOL. Think to yourself: when was the last time you sat down and had a real good conversation with your child? Not just about adoption stuff, but just… anything. I think some parents would be surprised by this. Thankfully, I’m pleased to say mine was only a few days ago. And I no longer live with my parents.

3. They told me they want to be involved with my journey with Korea and such. Now, maybe this is just a personal thing, but I don’t like people doing things for me if they don’t want to be doing it. But I think my parents have always had an invested interest in me, and that makes me want to have them involved in things. It’s never too late to learn stuff. Since having increasing interest in Korea and stuff, my Mum and Dad are trying to learn with me. And that’s great. Seriously, if your child/ren know/s that you are actually interested in them, they’re bound to reciprocate. I’ve experienced this in many forms and seen very different parent/child relationships. Some make me very sad.

4. They’ve defended me from other family members who may be, well… poisonous. Like any family, mine has a few wackos. A couple of which have been known to say/do some strange things… when I was little, I had a couple of cousins come up to me and say: “our Mum said you’re not your Mum’s real daughter”. (This was from cousins who are… 6-8 years younger than me. I would have been about… 10?) I told my Mum this later, and I’m pretty sure she went off and said something to said aunt. There have been a few things like that. And it’s made me see that just because you think you’re pretty good and have a decent head on your shoulders, it doesn’t mean other members of your own family do.

5. I think this would have been very difficult when we were little, but I think they’ve always been aware of the dynamics between my sister and me (my sister is their biological child). I think this would have been a… risky thing to balance, particularly with such a sensitive, moody kid like me. I’m not sure exactly what they did (you’d have to ask them), but my sister and I have (I think) a great relationship now. LOL. Of course, we had our moments (as all siblings do), but I genuinely feel that my sister’s one of the best friends I’ve got and will always have – something that definitely isn’t shared between all siblings. It’s a huge contrast to my husband and his sister, of whom we never see or have much to do with at all.

Things they didn’t do? Hmm…

1. I’ve never been back to Korea. Now, I know this isn’t an easy thing to do. But I believe I’m really… suffering (I’m sorry. That sounds awful, but I can’t think of a better word) from having not been back. I don’t think more needs to be said.

2. Although my parents are usually good at listening, I do believe there’s a point of contention between us. That is that: I wasn’t “meant” to be born. I remember screaming this in angst as a teenager, and although my parents disagreed, said I was born for a reason etc etc, I still feel that I wasn’t much of a blessing in my birth mother’s eyes. Sure, I was in my adoptive parents’ eyes, but how my birth mother would have reacted to my being conceived, well… that affects me too, and I don’t think this really gets acknowledged enough. By lots of people.

3. They moved. Now, I know this was for a reason, but I think the year following the move was possibly one of the worst years of my life. It probably doesn’t matter now, but I’ll never forget how awful it was as (an already insecure) teenager, being the only Asian person in a school of over 1000 kids. That was when I found out what “racism” was. In all its colourless glory.

4. I’m aware that a lot of adoptive parents say this, but I don’t think that saying “you were born for us” is really the right thing to say. From the moment we can talk, we adoptees are aware that we weren’t born for you APs. We know plenty well that we’re with you because we were abandoned by our original parents. That’s it. Why sugar coat it?

5. This isn’t just something my parents have done, it’s more something my extended family did, but there’s never been much acknowledgment of my ancestral background. People have always referred to my adoptive families’ ancestors as “my” ancestors, which I believe isn’t true. When it comes to ancestors, I feel much more connected to whoever’s lying dead in Korean soil – they’re the people I came from. Not the people here.

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Well, this has been very long. Thanks for the great questions! I’ll be answering more next post! So stay tuned, folks!

Related posts:

1. Some Adoptee Questions Answered! =D
2. Final Questions Answered!
3. “But Where Are You Really From?”
4. Race Matters
5. Choice.