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Protected: Adoption Goes Further than the Adoptee

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Boys, Girls, Marriage… Adoption?

Firstly: sorry I keep changing the theme of this blog. I’m incredibly fussy when it comes to the way things look. If I was able to make my own themes, I would. But I suck at coding, so I’m left to use the themes that others have made. =P

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What parent doesn’t want their child to grow up and marry a wonderful person? Can any parent honestly say that they’ve never once had that thought: that they want their child/ren to grow up and find a member of the opposite sex that is wonderful and that gets along swimmingly with everyone and is just generally a great addition to the family?

Following on from a blog post made by Soo, I’ve been thinking a little bit about this. My Mum and Dad stayed at our place last night (since we recently got a spare bed. ), while they had a good time in Sydney during yesterday and today. Now, call me crazy, but I doubt they’d really want to do as such if they didn’t like or get on with my husband. As a side note, the boyfriend I had before Robert was a complete… loser (that’s the nicest way I can put it), and it would be an understatement to say that he didn’t really get along with my family. I couldn’t imagine them coming to stay as much if I’d (God forbid) married him.

I think it’s really easy for parents (adoptive or not) to say they’d be happy with anyone their child married/loved, so long as they loved them back, treated them well etc etc. Hell, I don’t have kids and I already want that for any that we do have in the future. If I asked my parents whether they would have minded if I’d married a guy that was Korean (or any other nationality aside from Caucasian), they’d probably say that it wouldn’t have mattered, so long as I loved him, vice versa etc. But really… does racial background really not matter?

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Opposites

This week – although being tiring and long – has also been somewhat stand-out. Robert and I booked flights and accommodation for my first trip back to Korea since I was born. This brought with it (as you can imagine) an influx of emotions. A very strange combination, at that: anxiety, excitement, apprehension, nervousness, worry, anticipation, fear, trepidation, hesitation… Of course I’m looking forward to the “usual” things, like: meeting up with some friends, going to places that don’t exist in Australia, seeing the historical aspects, experiencing the world’s greatest internet, and experiencing my birth culture with my husband. However, it’s also a very scary and strange thought: to think I’ll be in the same country as my birth mother (likely) and to finally see the place of my origin. It’s funny to think that most people just take it for granted that they live in their countries of birth, but I’m only just about to go back to mine for the first time since I was born… Living the life of an adoptee really is so backwards. Which brings me to the main subject of this post…

I think this is something I’ve been trying to put into words for a while, now: the idea of opposites. It briefly came up in the comments in my last post. Like I just said, being an adoptee really is – at times – a backwards type of life. We go without things that others take for granted; we live the lives in cultures that are somewhat “opposite” to the worlds we were originally born in; and most of all, whenever someone mentions or says something about our lives, they’re treading on egg shells because there’s always an opposite side to what they’re saying. Mei Ling has a great way with words. She said:

Whenever someone says that, the opposite side of the coin is not really taken into account because then that’s like saying the child is lucky they weren’t kept by their ‘birth’ parents.

I’ve always wondered where the strange feelings come from when, even now, people say things about me, my birth parents or my adoptive parents. It feels like I’m just constantly on the cusp of saying “but…”, but I don’t know what the whole “but” is. BUT (LOL) now I think I understand: it’s because whenever something does get said, there’s always that other side that either hasn’t been considered, or doesn’t want to be considered. And being an adoptee is hard because we have to deal with both of them. We’re sort of stuck between both sides and it’s really hard to balance out the two, especially when we’re getting told by ignorant know-it-alls how we should and shouldn’t live our lives.

Sometimes life as an adoptee gets tiring. Sometimes I just wish I could throw in the towel and say: “that’s it. I’m sick of being me. I just want to be someone else for a day: just know what it’s like to not have the burden of having to balance out all these sides and invisible arguments that appear to be going on in my head and in my life. Because I just can’t do this anymore. I can’t figure out how to reconcile the clash of ‘sides’ that seem to be warring in my head and in my world”. I just want to be me without the added burden of thinking about where I come from VS who I am here. It’s just not possible.

I think that’s the “problem” I have when I read adoptive parents’ blogs. I know most of these people (not all) are just trying to do what they think is best. I know many of them (like my parents) are good people and genuinely want what’s best for their children, adopted or not. But I can’t help but sit and read them and think ‘while you’re so happy, someone else is mourning. Your child could be mourning without even knowing it’. My heart goes out to the child I once was for not being able to put those feelings into words, and I wish I could just bring everyone together into one big happy family and be… whole. But that won’t ever happen. It can’t happen. My Mum and Dad are here. They’re the people I love and care for. But my biological side is elsewhere. And my birth mother has lost all chance of ever being my “Mum”. She can’t replace my Mum (the one that’s seen me through good times and bad), but my Mum also can’t replace my birth mother: the one that brought me into the world in the first place. Where’s the middle? Where’s the happy medium? Is there such a thing?

To add to all of this, I guess that’s what I abhor about the idea of adoption classes, usually given (to make more money) by adoptive parents. As someone who’s been trained as a teacher, how can you genuinely teach someone anything without having all the knowledge behind you to teach? I feel that adoptive parents teaching from their own experiences is only passing along one side of adoption. It’s biased. Just because you’ve parented an adopted child doesn’t suddenly make you expert enough to teach and charge others money for your one experience. One experience doesn’t mean anything. Parenting and adoption aren’t about 1+1=2. It’s not that simple. You can’t teach something when you’re only coming from one side: one side of many.

In being married, one of the things that has always boggled my mind is just how different Robert and I am. We are the perfect example of opposites attract. Aside from our obvious differences in appearance, our likes and dislikes are completely opposite. Not only that, the way we do things is also completely opposite. It’s always boggled my mind and made me wonder ‘what on earth?! How did we end up together?!’. Furthermore, we were also (apparently) completely different as kids, too. While I wouldn’t move off my Mum’s lap, Robert would be the kid running around like crazy, beating up bigger kids, eating snails, climbing trees etc. He and I are just a strange phenomenon. LOL. But somehow… we work. Somehow we ended up together and (usually) get on really well and still manage to find things to do together.

Usually, I like to think that a happy medium is possible, despite the two very different sides that are at play in my life. Sometimes I think it would be easier to just be one or the other. I don’t discount the pain, anguish and loss that my birth mother went through in adopting me, nor do I simply brush aside the difficulties that adoptive parents must have in taking in foreign children as their own, but when it comes to themselves and their own identities, they – ultimately – know who they are and can take it for granted throughout their day to day lives. One side is Korean. Period. The other is Australian. Period. …What I wouldn’t give to have that sense of self and secure identity. It must be luxurious not to have it playing on one’s mind day in and day out.

Does all this mean I hate my life? No. Does it mean I hate everyone around me? No. Does it mean I hate myself? No. Does it mean I’m an awful, angry, bitter adoptee that isn’t “grateful” every waking moment of her life? In the good sense of “grateful”, no. But this is me. This is my life. These are my challenges. I’m only human, and I can’t help but wonder how my life would be different had I “simply” had that which everyone else around me takes for granted and doesn’t have to give second thought to.

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Protected: Rejection: Not Just Reserved for Adoptees

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Protected: A Life Lived in Fear is a Life Half Lived. Contact Me for the Password

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