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Speculation: What Has Adoption Given Me? What Has it Made Me?

Warning: this post is pure speculation and assumption. I haven’t done any background academic reading, nor have I even thought about this topic with other adoptees in mind. It is based purely on my own thoughts that have gone around in my head on my 3km (one way) walk to and from work everyday in the freezing cold. So excuse me if it comes off as complete and utter baloney. It could just be my brain freezing everyday. LOL.

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It was my birthday on Saturday. My 27th. I feel very old. LOL. But aside from feeling old, it was a nice, relaxing one, spent with my family. We had a BBQ, Robert made a honeycomb house and I got lots of books and other things. =D Despite the fact that I’m only getting older (who isn’t?), I was never one to dislike birthdays. And as a child, I never thought about my adoption or my birth mother or anything. It’s only been recently that I’ve begun to wonder: ‘hey, does my birth mother think about me on my birthday?’. As a child, my birthday was the second best day of the year. Second only to Christmas. It was a day all about me and the day that I got lots of presents and got to eat cake and feel special. I think this is what it is for many children, and in my opinion, that’s what they should be about for children: days of excitement and presents and balloons and wishes. As a child, I used to blow out my candles and wish I could fly like a bird. =P A simple, childhood wish. But there were never any about adoption or Korea. Which – I think – is a pretty good sign that my parents were doing something right.

I am usually making rather depressing and sad posts on this blog. And it’s so common for adoptees to focus on what they’ve lost by having been adopted. But I’ve been thinking about the type of person adoption has made me, as I believe it has really affected and influenced the way I think and act.

When I was a school student (at various ages), I remember watching and experiencing certain things my peers at school would do, not understand their reasons for doing such, then go home and say to my Mum: “why did such-and-such do this? Don’t they think it’s just going to… (insert-repercussions-of-actions-here)”. My Mum would answer with things like: “people don’t think. They’ll learn when they grow up“. Which is all very well. So for most of my childhood, I found myself thinking: ‘oh that’s stupid. I can’t wait ’til I’m in my 20s, ’cause then hopefully people won’t be so stupid’. (Bah. So much for that!) But ultimately, I think adoption has given me some sort of ability to think, and to think about things in a way that others don’t. I thought this was normal, but I don’t think it is, and after having read the blogs of lots of other adoptees, it seems we have this in common.

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“Sisters… Are Doin’ it for Themselves…”

For those who have read my blog for a while, they’d know that I have one sister. She’s two and a bit years younger than me and is my parents’ biological daughter. My sister and I haven’t always gotten along. Like most siblings, we’ve definitely had our good and bad times, but I’d say we’re pretty close now and I couldn’t imagine what my life without her would have been like. Looking back on my teenage years, I feel very sorry for all the things I would have put her through, but in a way I feel like it’s made us closer now: having been through some difficult times, at least we know that as siblings, we can weather quite a lot. =P It’s also great now: my family seems very harmonious and my husband really thinks of my sister as his little sister. He’d go out of his way to protect her as his sister, which is gorgeous. <3 So although the following post may come off sounding a little cold, please be aware that I have a sister that isn’t adopted. So I’m not wholly crazy in making this post.

In reading the blogs of adoptive parents and adoptees, it’s been somewhat interesting to see the different families that have been created through adoption. Our blogs so often seem to be very focused on the parent/child relationship, but it seems not a lot of thought is really given to the sibling relationship. Which – I think – should be just as important as the parent/child relationship: siblings are just as much a part of a family, right? My parents adopted me because, like many adoptive parents, they wanted a family. For whatever reasons, they were unable – at the time – to have biological kids, so they got me. And then my sister randomly and unexpectedly came along. Like I said, I couldn’t imagine what my life without my sister would have been like. I think that having a sister has taught me a lot, and as someone that is pretty closeted, anti-social and would prefer to spend her time in her own world, having a sister has been beneficial to me as a human being.

The one thing I wonder about some adoptive families, though is: why do they adopt internationally when they already have biological children? I’ve seen it claimed many times that it was “God’s intention for them to adopt”, or they thought it was “the right thing for them”, or even the dreaded reason of they wanted to “save a child from an ‘unfortunate’ and ‘disadvantaged’ country”. I guess this question is one that I don’t understand because my parents obviously didn’t adopt for the same reasons, and I can’t help but look at some of these families and question how a child of a very different racial background would feel having four or five older siblings, all of which are Caucasian. My ultimate question for them is: how do you think your child feels? You may justify your actions by saying to yourself and others: “but we took them out of such a disadvantaged place in the world, and we have so much wealth to offer them!” etc etc, but remember: your child likely doesn’t remember a whole lot about being “disadvantaged”. Even if you’ve adopted a child that’s two or three, how are they meant to look back on those years and think: ‘yeah, they sucked’? Even though I’m sure they’re going to have many wonderful times and experiences as a member of your family, they’re also going to have to deal with being the odd one out, and that’s what they’ll remember.

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“Multiculturalism” or “Koreanism”? Or… Both?

In my last post here, Mica gave me a bit of advice that she was given. She said:

“Make sure you remember, though, that YOU ARE YOU. Not anybody you could have or should have been. You are here and now, blending all those identities, and that’s great. Embrace that and you’ll go far.”

I read that and sort of thought ‘yeah… easier said than done. What do you think I’ve been trying to do for… 26 years?!’. But I’ve been thinking about it, and maybe she’s right… I feel like for most of my life I’ve been trying to be either Australian or Korean. I’ve always just wanted to be one or the other, because I’ve always felt that it would be simpler, easier and that if I was one or the other I’d have something to identify with and to build my identity upon. I think that, when it comes down to it, this conflict that I’ve always felt is one of the things I hate about being adopted. Perhaps other adoptees are OK with being a mixture of both, but I’ve always struggled with it and I’ve always tried to fight it. But perhaps it’s time I… embraced it?

In thinking about this, I’ve been wondering: what is the “best” way to raise transracial adoptees? I’m obviously not going to be able to change the fact that I’m a mix of Korean and Australian, so what is best for raising young adoptees? Is it best for them to spend a lot of time with people of their racial heritage, or is it “simply” best for them to be amongst… people of all sorts of backgrounds?

One of the things I love about the people I work with and the office culture I work in is the mixture of people. We have a relatively small office. Including myself, there are… only nine of us. Out of those nine, only one is “purely” Australian. My boss is Canadian (and his wife is Greek), our marketing manager is Spanish, I’m well… me, my immediate colleague is Dutch (and his wife is Korean!), our events manager is Italian (and her boyfriend is Irish), two of the sales team are Indian, another sales member is a mixture of New Zealand and… a few other things, and the other sales person is purely Aussie. On Friday, my colleague brought in a whole batch of bulgogi that his wife and mother-in-law made. He cooked the whole thing in the office and even served it with rice and provided lettuce leaves to wrap it all in. It was a great afternoon. During lunch, we all spoke about having an International Food Day on Melbourne Cup day (they did it last year, too), where everyone brings in a dish from their own native background. I thought it was a great idea, especially since we’d all have something unique to add to the day.

What I loved about this was simply that we could all relate: despite the fact that we all come from various racial backgrounds, each one of us can relate to the fact that we’re all Australian, but we’re all also… something else. It was just a really good team bonding experience, and despite the fact that this was/is my work environment, I felt much more comfortable in it than I sometimes have within my own (extended) family and in-laws. Really, it came down to having an unspoken, yet very present understanding of one another, brought about by our differences but similarities. What’s more, is that it felt much more comfortable than whenever I’m around purely Korean people and society. It’s a no-brainer to say that although I feel naturally assimilated amongst people of Korean background, as soon as I open my mouth it becomes very obvious that I don’t fit in, and that’s something – I think – I will always struggle with when I’m around Koreans.

What’s more is the idea of just… being the odd one out. With my colleagues, things were good, because although we all originate from very different backgrounds, we all came together because we were all different. However, in most situations, based on my racial background, I’m often the inherent different one. Nothing ever needs to be said about it, but everyone knows it’s the truth. As usual, the perfect example is my husband’s family, all of which are “just” white Australian, making me stick out in the way we adoptees have always hated. It’s nice for once, to just… not be the odd one out: to be amongst people that are just as much a mixture of culture and identity as I am, adopted or not. And, for me, I found it really interesting to realise that these are the “types” of people I’m the most comfortable being around: people who are also a mixture of racial backgrounds and experiences. I’m not expected to understand every nitty gritty thing about Korean culture, nor am I expected to be “true blue Aussie”. I can just be… me: Korean, Australian, nerdy and… everything in between. Being around others who are just as mixed as I am is more comfortable than being around pure Koreans or pure Australians. Maybe it all just comes down to not being the odd one out for a change.

OK, excuse me. I have to go and do some shopping. We have no food in our house, and Robert and I are intending on making my Mum’s Indian curry recipe tomorrow.

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When is Enough Enough?

A random fact about me: I have always had a fascination with Henry VIII and the Tudors. Ever since I was a child, I just loved the European royals and Henry was always a real life, intriguing fairytale to me. I am currently very much enjoying The Tudors. My husband recently downloaded the first three series for me, and along with reading Wolf Hall by Hilary Mantel at the moment, one might say I have an interest in Henry and his court.

What has this got to do with anything, you might ask? Well, aside from having very little to do with anything that’s come before in this blog, it’s a small demonstration that I do actually have interests outside of my adoption and Korea (OMG! Are you serious?! Yes, my friends, I am.).

Robert and I have both been thinking, lately, that both of us are struggling a bit to: A) Work full time; B) Spend enough time with one another/find common interests between us; C) Find enough time to pursue our own, individual interests and hobbies (of which both of us have many). And I, for one, have begun to find it very difficult to pursue: A) My interests involving Korea/my background/my identity, and B) My interests as… just me: just the things I’m interested in, regardless of who I am, biologically (one of them being Henry).

Many adoptive parents have said to me that I should “just” make the most of my life in Australia and not dwell so much on Korea and what I could have been. My usual response to this is: “don’t tell me to ‘just’ get over this, because it’s so not as simple as you seem to think”. But I’m getting to a point where I’m beginning to wonder whether they’re right, to a degree. When I think of me as just… me (Korean or not), I think of the following things that I like:

~Writing

~Reading

~Playing certain video games

~Baking (when I get the time)

~Spending time in cafes drinking coffee

~Spending time with my husband/best friend

~Seeing my family

~Eating

…nowhere in there does Korea feature. And I’ve been asking myself: if I wasn’t so obviously caught up in my ventures to “learn” more and “find out” about myself, would I just be free to pursue the above list of things? I’m not going to lie: sometimes it’s a burden to “have to” learn Korean. I haven’t studied it for a while now, especially on a regular basis because… I just can’t be bothered. Or I don’t have the time. Or I’d prefer to be doing other things. But I feel like it’s something I have to do: I have to do it to “just” feel more whole as a person… to feel like I have the inherent sense of self that everyone around me has and takes for granted. But what am I missing out on in the process? Sure, I love Korea: I love the language, the culture… but if it weren’t for the fact that I am Korean, would I have these interests to begin with? Honestly… are the APs right – to a degree – when they tell us to “just” get on with the lives we have here? Am I just wasting my time pursuing my “sense of self”?; am I just sacrificing precious time when I could actually be doing things that I would prefer to be doing?

I think, ultimately, it’s these feelings that randomly make me so adverse to adoption, nowadays. Yes, it may seem emo and “oh poor me”-like, but I’m tiring of feeling like half a person: of feeling like I’m forever chasing the person I am, inside, when everyone else simply has it to begin with.

Am I wasting my time on Korea? Should I “just” leave it behind and wholly embrace who I am here? Does the Korean part of my identity simply… not matter? Is it something I’ll ever get back, regardless of the attempts I make? Has Korea really just… clouded the rest of my life?: Made me push away the people and things that I love here? Which one really matters? I don’t know anymore. Maybe it’s just mid-week fatigue kicking in, here, but it’s times like these that I just want to throw in the towel and say “I give up on life” (not in a “I’m going to commit suicide way)… I could go for a new one right about now.

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