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Race Matters

Well, at 27 years old, I can say quite confidently that I am:

~Possibly the world’s biggest dag;

~A confessed book nerd. I would rather spend money on books than clothes;

~A spelling nazi. I can spot a spelling mistake from a few kilometres away (well… maybe not quite that far!);

~A nerd. A nerd that would prefer to spend her Friday and Saturday nights at home feeling comfortable with a book than out on the town;

~Anti-social. I really dislike social events. Mainly ones that require being around a lot of people I don’t know;

~NOT a workaholic. I like to go home and not have to think about what I do from 9-5

…and I’m sure there are many more.

The saying “just be yourself” has become something of a cliche in our western societies. And although it has some nice connotations, it’s definitely one of those things that’s much more easily said than done. It has taken me 27 years to accept the above list of things about myself. Ten years ago, I was struggling to be something I’m just not: social, loud, attractive, popular, grammatically stupid. There’s no place more like high school that teaches you the contrary to “just be yourself”. But you know what? I have struggled to “just be myself”. And a lot of the time, that’s still not good enough for a lot of people, but I’m kind of over caring.

You know what I love about being around my Mum, Dad and sister? Is the feeling that I can just be myself. And things like my racial heritage and hobbies don’t really matter. I mean, I like having somewhat intellectual discussions about books and (stupid) people (LOL), but it’s nice to think I’m not being judged purely on those things. And that’s great. I’m sure that’s something my parents strived to achieve in having children: a place where their kids can feel accepted and loved (awww). And I’m sure many adoptive parents have this same sentiment in mind. Why wouldn’t you? But unfortunately, the outside world just isn’t this way, and it can be a bit of a contradiction to the values you’re being taught when you’re an adoptee of a different race to those around you behind closed doors.

One adoptive parent recently wrote about her frustrations with the things people say in regards to race and racial difference. It seems she got a little annoyed, saying how race shouldn’t really matter because we’re all human: why does it matter what piece of land we all come from? And that’s a nice thought and sentiment. It really is. But I think that what a lot of adoptive parents fail to realise and accept is that as much as it sucks, that’s just the way the world is. Furthermore, race does matter, and I don’t agree with telling this to children. Why? Because as soon as we walk out our front doors, we’re taught that it does matter, and we realise later on that it matters, because it makes up for a huge part of the people we are. Like it or not, race partially defines who we are as human beings. Yes, it might suck, yes it might make people uncomfortable, but it matters. Colour blindness is just that: blindness. It’s ignorance and it’s a failing to accept the world for what it is. Colour blindness doesn’t make you more moral than the person next to you who thinks otherwise. You’re not doing the world a favour by adopting a child. Adopting a child from a different country doesn’t mean you’re making some huge change to the world. Regardless of whether or not you adopt, the world is going to keep on spinning, and people are going to be just as narrow-minded as they always were.

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Posted by 윤선 | 5 Comments

Positive VS Negative. Coping with Racism is always Difficult

This post has only had two responses. Feel free to add to it if you like.

I’m always frustrated by the way negative things seem to so easily outweigh the positive. The past couple of days at work were pretty stressful as I was running one of my company’s events, and a lot was left up to me. But I wasn’t alone. I was on site with a couple of my colleagues, both of whom are good people to work with. A couple of things happened, though, in my discussions with them.

The first strange thing was I was labelled as being rather “cool” when it came to my racial background/s. I’m not sure how it came up, but I was telling one of my two colleagues that I’m adopted, because the other offhandedly mentioned that my Dad is Italian/Maltese. Obviously, this came as the usual shock to the other, and she gave me the oh-so-familiar look of “huh???” that I’ve just become so accustomed to over the years. So I had to explain that yes, I’m adopted, so yes, that means I’m Korean but my family isn’t. (Although I’m not as awkward talking about it as I used to be, it does get rather redundant and boring explaining the same thing over and over to people.)

So after giving my usual rundown of my life, the colleague that had originally mentioned the whole thing decided that this whole being-adopted thing made me really “cool” because of my rather random mix of backgrounds and heritage/s. (Korean? OK. But Italian/Maltese as well? That’s obviously just not that common! ) I didn’t really know what to say to this. I’ve never considered myself as “cool” for being adopted or for having Italian/Maltese background while I myself am Korean. I sort of just sat there, dumbfounded, not really sure of what to say, except for “thanks?”. =P

A bit later, though, we got to talking about some people that worked with us and left just after I’d started at the company. One of these people was my manager, and she trained me in the job that I do now. She put her resignation in a couple of days after I’d been offered my position. The other put hers in a week or so later. I’ll be really honest and say that I was pretty afraid of my manager/colleague, and I was actually glad when she told me she was leaving. I have recently been made aware that I wasn’t the only one that was glad…

Although she and I clearly had very different personalities, and despite the fact that our office is made up of a great many different types of people, she apparently disliked me and a few other people in the office because we were of different racial backgrounds to her. Now, this could just be hearsay, sure. But even though I thought I was a little more resilient to this type of crap, it still hurts and it still bothers me to find out that I’m so blatantly disliked because of my racial background.

It’s frustrating, because it’s moments like these that really set you back. Just when I think I’m coming around and feeling somewhat alright with myself, things like this come up, and I think that maybe it would just be better for me not to know this crap. I mean… if this colleague was still working with me, I’d probably be doing my best to get on with her, but what can you do for people who so obviously dislike you for things you can’t help? I sort of feel that this is a really big frustration when it comes to racism. Of course, the whole idea of disliking someone just because of their race is wrong, but when it’s put into action, what can you do? You’re not exactly going to spend billions on plastic surgery just to appease these people and their egos, but nor can you just sit around and cop their attitudes forever. Maybe I don’t have to worry now, as she’s left the company and I probably won’t ever see her again. But it was a bit of a harsh reality that, although there are some who can easily accept me and my life as an adoptee here in Australia, others just… can’t. And that sucks, because I think there are many more issues in the world than people of adopted backgrounds living in countries different to those that they were born in.

Maybe I should “just” think to myself: ‘I’m better than that, I don’t need these people’, but it’s still sad that racism is a reality. What can you do when someone simply dislikes you, regardless of whether they know you or not? Maybe I can try to focus more on the people that are worth it, as opposed to those that aren’t. But it just doesn’t change those heart-jolting feelings that come with knowing you’re hated for your race.

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Adoptive Parents’ Ideas About Dealing with Racism

In monitoring my WordPress stats quite closely since I moved to WordPress, I’m considering purchasing my own domain and such. I feel like this blog is established enough now to warrant as such… I don’t really want another change (this blog’s been moved so often, already!), but I kind of like the idea of my own online “home”… so yeah…

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Ahh… adoptive parents and their idealistic views of racism. Are they not constantly a source for adoptees’ amusement? I was e-mailed recently by some random person, asking for me to give a response to this article. My first response in reading said article was “here we go… more ‘advice’ from an ‘experienced’ adoptive parent”. Throughout my reading, though, I had constant thoughts of “what?” and “uh… OK…”. But I thought I’d post my full thoughts here.

The first thing I have to say is that although racism remains a big “issue” in the world of transracial adoption, it’s not only reserved for the adoption community, and I think people need to remember this. If Robert and I have kids, they’re likely to experience racism, even though they won’t be adopted; Robert has experienced racism, despite the fact he’s completely caucasian in a western country; and we can’t overlook today’s bigger “racism trends”: I’m not sure about other countries, but members of Australia’s Indian community has experienced quite a lot over the past couple of years. Racism is not reserved for adoption. We have only to look at the larger world to see that. The only difference when it comes to adoption is that the children look different from their parents, but there seems to be almost something of a moral panic with adoptive parents when it comes to adoption, as though it’s a completely new thing for them.

I think there’s a blurred line between racism and people’s ignorant curiosity and lack of knowledge when it comes to adoption. Just because someone asks the stupid question of: “why don’t you look like your parents?” doesn’t necessarily mean they’re racist. I’m not making excuses for them, but there does need to be that realisation. Some of the nicest people I’ve met have asked me that question, but they’re definitely not racist. There’s a big difference. But more on that later…

But to respond to the article:

we must work extra hard to help them develop skills and strategies to deal with the everyday reality of racism. To live authentically in our racist society, each of our children must learn to externalize racism: to understand that racism is NOT about him or her, but a reflection of other people’s ignorance.

Hmm… firstly, adoptive parents need to stop saying things as though things are so simple; as though they’re so experienced and have enough knowledge to teach others. They don’t. Parenting (whether it’s adoptive or not), I believe, is an ongoing thing that never ends. My husband’s mother seems to think that now that her kids are grown adults, she’s done enough as a “parent”. Whatever. I feel she’s missing out on a lot with that attitude. My aunt once said the stupidest thing about my cousins: “I did the parenting for the first six years, now it’s their father’s turn”. Umm…? Believe it or not, once you have kids, you’re a parent for life. And that’s part of the reason why Robert and I are so not ready to have a family yet. LOL. Despite the fact that I’m currently 26 and my sister is 24, I’m sure my parents are still learning things because they’ve never been parents to two children of 26 and 24 before.

As cruel and confronting as this is going to sound, the statement:

to understand that racism is NOT about him or her, but a reflection of other people’s ignorance

is not really correct. Like I said above, I say to the author of this article: what is racism? I believe you are confusing racism with the fact that your children look different to you. The difficult thing to deal with, as an adoptee, is that when people ask questions like “why are you Asian and your parents aren’t?” it is about me, to a degree. Yes, people’s ignorance comes into it, but we do look different from our parents. And it’s not so much that we have to understand people’s ignorance, more like we simply need to understand that we’re adopted; yes, we look different from our families, so where do we go from there? It’s not not NOT about simply brushing it off and placing all the blame on others. It sucks, but adoptive families (parents and adoptees alike) need to understand how to confront the whole looking different thing. In taking the above attitude, I don’t think that helps an adoptee deal with anything. If every time I had someone come up to me and ask their stupid, ignorant questions, my parents said: “don’t worry, honey, it’s them with the issue”, well… how does that fix anything??? I still look different to them! And I know that perfectly, perfectly well, whether I’m two or 200. As a child, when people asked me those questions, I’d think: ‘yes, I do look different to my parents… it sucks, I hate it. I hate being adopted’. It’s not people’s attitudes that need confronting and “dealing with”. For adoptive parents, I believe the challenge should be: “how do we make our children OK with the fact that they look different to us? How do we help them to grow up secure in looking different to us? It’s not about “how do we help our child/ren ignore others’ responses”.

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More Answers to Adoptee Questions. ^_^

Again, thanks everyone for contributing to my little question-answering… thing! Again, if you have questions, please ask here!! Anyway, here are some more answers! Again, if you don’t see your question here, it’ll be answered in subsequent posts! I’m just going through them all in the order they were sent to me.

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Mei Ling asked: I was wondering if you did a Korean language exchange and how that may or may not have helped your overall skills in the learning process…

I haven’t done an exchange, per se. I believe I did have the opportunities to do so as I was growing up, but like I’ve said in this blog – I was so desperate to just be like everyone around me, that it wasn’t something I wanted to do. Having said that, though, I have had Korean Sunday school classes recently (with other kids!) – something else I could have done as a child – and I think that has helped to a degree. I think being immersed in Korean culture with other Korean people (yes, being with KOREAN people helps. Not just being with other people who are learning Korean. They’re very different.) has also helped a lot, too. It’s made me feel much more connected to a group of people I naturally belong to, and it’s made me see the language in its natural “habitat”, I guess you could say. I think that learning Korean and learning about the culture in an academic way is completely different to just living it day to day. As an adoptee, I feel the living option is much more important than just learning from a text book. You learn a lot more than just a bunch of symbols on paper.

Sara_2 asked: I have been telling my 5 yo (adopted from China) that, not only does she have parents in China who look like her, but that there is an entire lineage in China, grandparents and great-grandparents and maybe brothers and sisters, that she is connected to all these people even though right now we don’t know who they are. This is something I came up with because of reading a number of adoptees who feel that they were just dropped on the earth somehow….. I am hoping it will help preempt that feeling a little bit. Wondering if you and your readers think this is a reasonable approach.

Also – do you have any thoughts on when and how to try to explain racism in any form, and then again, racism and objectifying sexually specifically directed at Asian women.

Umm… yeah, I don’t see anything wrong with telling your daughter about her lineage in China. Although I’d suggest being aware of how you’re wording things. Maybe I was just an overly sensitive child (which is very true), but the way you say things is very important. The best way I can explain this, is: have you, as a woman, ever been told something by a man in a seemingly insensitive, awful way? Not to blame him, but sometimes (and I do believe this is a man thing, not just a Robert thing!) my husband has the tendency to say/ask things to me in a way that sounds like an insult, despite the words he’s spouting. More often than not, I get offended because of the way he’s said something. EG: a sincere apology means a lot more than one simply stated as a short, abrupt: “sorry”. It’s the same when talking about adoption to an adoptee.

So I think it’s great that you’re talking about and acknowledging (acknowledgment is very important) that she has lineage in China. But just be aware of how you’re saying things. Sometimes, when Robert says things that, to me, sound awful, I just want to say: “go say that same thing, just as you did, to yourself in a mirror, then see what you think”. I think this is advice we could all use once in a while.

Following the email you sent me before commenting here, I’m really sorry that you came to Oz and had the experience you did. It’s funny in a way – the area of Sydney you were in was… what’s known as a bit of a dodgy area. Personally, it’s an area I avoid like the plague. Yes, it’s a poorer area, but generally speaking, people there can be a bit more narrow minded, racist and prejudiced. Not all of Sydney’s like that, I can assure you!

Having said that, I was very lucky that for the majority of my childhood, my family lived in a very wealthy, affluent and diverse area. Later, when I was about 16, we moved closer to the area you were talking about, and that’s when I really began to experience racism and the whole Asian sexual objectification that some (sick) people seem to have. I think it made my parents really sad when this happened, and in my naivete, I didn’t really get what was going on. My parents sort of got away with not needing to worry about it early on! But if you’re feeling the need to discuss this matter with a 5 year old, just take things slow. It was hard for me to understand as a 16 year old, let alone a 5 year old!

Also, if you have random people saying sexual-type things around your daughter, like any parent, adoptive or not, I’d simply MOVE. At this stage, I’m sure your daughter’s probably only just getting her head around being from China, let alone the sickness of adult assumptions and fetishes. I wouldn’t be mentioning that now!

But if you’re trying to talk about racism to a 5 year old, I’d be very general and just say something like: “some people in the world don’t understand about other places in the world. You don’t have to get on with these people”, or something. I’m not a parent, but in this case, at her age, I’d let her lead. Don’t force things down her throat. Just let her know that you love her, and she’s welcome to ask you anything she likes. ALSO: make sure she knows you won’t be offended by asking/talking to her. A lot of the time, I held back talking to my parents about my adoption because I didn’t want to hurt them. This is wrong. It should be your job to talk to her about anything she wants, regardless of whether or not you’re hurt by it. Of course, you’re going to have emotions, but you don’t want her to be afraid of talking to you or hurting your feelings!

Tonggu Momma asked: I realize there is no magic formula for all of this, but in your personal experience, what five things did your parents do/ encourage/ assist you with that helped you the most in your life-long adoption journey? And what five things did they fail to do that you most wish they had done?

This is getting really long. LOL. So please click “continue reading” below for more questions and answers. ^_^

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Advance Australia Fair… What Does it Mean to be Aussie?

January. This month has got to be the most Aussie of months. Not only is the tennis Australian Open on (the one annual sporting event I actually care about/watch), but it’s also Australia Day on the 26th (tomorrow). Robert and I are planning on firing up the BBQ and eating sausages.

But what is Australia Day supposed to mean? Aside from eating lamb, what are we really celebrating? What does it really mean to be “Australian”? For some, this probably isn’t a very difficult thing to answer. For people like my husband, whose parents come from convicts and settlers, well… it’s a bit of a no-brainer. And granted, Australia doesn’t get a lot of attention in this blog, and when it does, well… it’s not the most positive stuff one’s read.

My family has often celebrated Australia Day. When I was growing up, I remember my Mum telling me and my sister that we live in the “lucky country” – many other countries in the world don’t have the type of lifestyles available to us here. Which is probably very true. So whenever Australia Day came around, deep down, I think I’d be celebrating the life I have here, ignoring the life I could have had elsewhere, and the fact that I wasn’t born Australian.

I found myself wondering the other day, though, what Australia Day really is. What are we celebrating? Are we celebrating the way Australia is now? Is it about white colonisation, and if so, where does that leave Aboriginal people? Prior to these thoughts, a friend on Facebook joined a group called: “Not Being a Drunken, Racist Yobbo on Australia Day”. The group info went on to say:

I’m sick to death of all this crap about being ‘un-Australian’. From what I can see, being ‘Australian’ is being a drunken, racist, carnivore who does nothing but be a menace to society for one day, by abusing non-white people, bashing people up and disrupting a perfectly good celebration.

This, in some ways, goes back to the whole white colonisation thing. If people are celebrating Australia in this way, then where does that leave the rest of us in this country? What is it to be “Australian”? (I’m sure this applies to other western countries, too, such as the US, UK etc.)

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